lost cause.

As soon as some motivation comes, to try to fix something, to try and do well, it goes almost as quickly as it came.

I don't know anymore.

I have no motivation for school, and I've lost any motivation to be able to comprehend anything. All I ever want to do is sleep.

The holidays can't come quick enough. It's like I've burnt out already, and the hard work hasn't even started yet.

I'm fucked. The end.

lucky.

:) Hello world.
I've been in bed for almost half an hour. And have been listening to my Michael Buble Cd's for the first time in so long. I'm sorry I ever stopped listening to him. His music, the words to his songs, make me feel good. I don't know why but everything just falls into perspective while he serenades me.

The last week has been awesome. Had the Think Pink Charity Dinner for the McGrath Foundation. Alongside Kaileigh we slow baked the most beautiful pork I have ever tasted. That was the epitome of my back of house experience. To know that I part took in creating an extremely beautiful dish. Learning for the very talented Roger Bayley, working and laughing the whole time with Kate, James and Jane as they failed epically with the first few attempts at rolling their chicken. Kate's constant complaining about how gross the chicken skin was, and the extravagent scents of the masterpieces being created around me.

The whole night was a beautiful success. The icing on the cake was the unexpected lunch the next day, where we all ate the leftovers. Then spent the double helping Jane clean the kitchen and get the rooms back in order. Which was a tiresome and tedious job that had to be done. But well worth it in the end. Just gives me an idea of what kind of mess I plan on getting myself into in the nearing future.

Yesterday was pretty cool. Went into town with Mum and Hannah. I bought a blank recipe book that I can fill with my own recipes. Then went to the movies with Kayla, Alex and Dylan. Watched South Solitary, which I must say was a brilliant movie.

Last night Mum, Hannah and I went to see a man named Sam Bailey, alongside his wife Jenny. The most beautiful people and the most awe inspiring. When Sam was 19 he was involved in a car accident, leaving him a quadriplegic. As a farmer, this was a devastating blow for him. However, Sam has come through his troubles and now co-owns a 1250 hectare beef cattle farm with his "little cracker" of a wife, Jenny. Sam has learnt to fly a light weight aircraft, and plans on being the first quadriplegic in the world to learn how to fly a helicopter.

At the end of the night I was, and still am, incredibly inspired by Sam and Jenny, and the distance they've come together, through so much. I'm in the process of reading their book. I'm only a chapter in, and it is still a fantastic read so far. Definitely recommend it. Had my copy signed and I plan on keeping it with me, to remind myself of how lucky I am.

Tonight I caught up on all my maths homework, am yet to catch up on English, but that won't be to hard. I hope. Tomorrow I have to tackle this CAFS assignment, otherwise I'm absolutely pooped. But tonight I also went through our cookbooks and flagged all the recipes I want in my book. I also spent some of today helping my Papou fixing the head light in my car. Took a chunk out of my finger, but it was fun. So now I have to write two lists. One being the things I shall need for my kitchen when I leave home so I can cook all of the recipes in my cookbook. And the other for the things I need to buy to put in the boot of my car, in my tool box that I plan on putting together.

Also planning a road trip to Queensland in October. Being more cost effective and more fun than the plane trip. Can't wait. Carroll Day this week. Have the best Cruella De Vil costume out there. Don't know how well it's going to go with jelly though. :S Oh well. It shall be good.

So au revoir, and I shall say again. I am one lucky girl. :)

slutty marshmallow

Okay. Pissed off. Me? Yeah. Forgive me but I'd actually like to do well in my exams. I don't care how much you hate school or how much you don't want to be there, but for me it's a different story. It's a step towards my future. My career. What happens to me when I leave. It affects the decisions I make and what I choose to do when I want. So don't you dare get fucking shitty when I tell you no, because you aren't really very high on my priority list at the moment. And if that isn't clear enough, come find me and I will make it clear for you.

You say you care what I think or feel, but you obviously don't take much notice. Leave me alone when I do my work. Leave me alone to concentrate and focus. Not only at school. Having the constant little distractions is really starting to shit me and I don't think I'm going to be able to handle that over the next month. So until the end of exams, fuck off, and leave me be. Stop pestering. If there's one thing I hate in the world it's persistent people. I said no once. Accept it and move on.

Okay. Now that that's over. Hello. Yesterday was epic. Woke up at 6am, got up at 8 and was at footy by 9.30. I drove there, attempted my first kerb-side park and ran up the kerb in front of everyone at the footy club. *blush* Embarrassing on another level. Then I drove from footy into town. Did that well, went to underground park, stalled over the first speed hump then near took the side off my car and another one. So Mum drove back to footy. Then I time-kept for the first half of the 17's game, blew the hooter late, after having the boys wait for five minutes, forgot I had to do three or four other things while I was time-keeping. So the start to my day was shit. Half-time I got ready for my game.

Played back pocket the whole game. Only came off in the last two minutes of the game. Almost played a whole game. Had a few good runs. Made a break through two Bermi girls then booted the ball out of the 50. Pretty happy with that. Bit stiff today, but was definitely worth it. Shame we don't play more often. Then sat around for the last few games. Did my job for the last game, then came home to get ready for Stars of the Seahawks.

That was pretty funny. Joshy V went first. So good. Then Captain AJ went, came out naked, only wearing two of the premiership flags. So funny. Then the acts went on. Had dinner and dessert. had a good time. Danced a bit. After it was all finished, the very very drunk boys started pulling their pants down. Two of them left off a bit of steam and were "fighting". Was pretty scary. After that we went home. $60 for a taxi out to Rosedale. Holy bananas. but we did do three trips in one, so it would've been less. Had to fill Mum in on what she didn't remember from last night. She was pretty sick, as soon as we got home she was hugging the toilet, then told us we should never drink. So funny. Didn't get to bed until 12:45 in the am. So tired.

Today. Played a few levels of Where's Wally? So good. But distracting. Got all my stuff for the SOR essay done, so I'm happy with that. Tried to have a go at the CAFS assignment but got to pissed off so I wrote this. And now I'm done. :) I got a new vegetable peeler for my knife roll for Hospo, cos the other one's shit.

Fin.

black friday

I don't know what I did. Give an inch and they take a mile. Then it's your fault because they're unhappy. Well you know what, you can come find me when you feel like having a civilised conversation, without getting depressed or making it depressing half way through. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time, because of you and "your emotional constipation". Sick of it. There's obviously something wrong, and you won't tell me or let me help, then you wonder why I get the shits.

Anyway. Since my last blog we went to the Careers Expo and visited the Islamic Mosque in Canberra. The expo was awesome. Got heaps of stuff on the College's I wanted to go to, and then at the universities. Pretty happy with that. The mosque was awesome. The religion and the prayer session itself. It was incredible. The guys there were pretty cool too. They tried to convert a couple of people, including Mrs Whiting. :)

The Saturday before that Mum,Hannah and I went to Canberra for the day. Spent a whole heap of money. :) and watched Toy Story 3. I fell asleep through it. :S

Not much has really happened since then. Spent the day at Dylan's. That was pretty cool. :) Got our English assignment. Stoked with the topic I got. Done heaps of research for it already. So happy. :) :) And Mum ordered my Carroll Day costume. Keen for that to arrive. :D Footy tomorrow. So keen for that. I actually get to play. :D against Bermagui. Gunna be good. Then after that the Stars of the Seahawks is on. That's gunna be so good. Can't wait.

Bridget's birthday dinner tonight. Was pretty cool. Went to Hog's Breath. Tayla and I waited around for 45 minutes before people came. Then everyone came and we ordered and talked about sex, mine and Emily's affair, Harry Potter, the list goes on. Was so funny. Then I missed singing Happy Birthday cos I was in the loo when Peddles brought out the cake. Cake was lush as. So good.

But now I'm home in my room. Which I re-decorated. It is no longer blue and brown themed, but predominately white. I love it. Instead of being calming and chilled like it was, it's now bright and alive. So good. OH! And Mum bought me a Snuggie. Yeah they're weird, until you get one and it's the coolest thing on Earth. Stupid, but cool at the same time. I wear mine backwards, and it's leopard print. :)

I think that's it. 5 weeks of Year 11/Prelim year to go before we start HSC. Who else is shitting themselves? I am! Which also means 5 weeks until my birthday, and end of term. Yay! That means holidays soon. :)

Alright, I'm out.
I love you. :)

J. Alfred Prufrock

Okay, so as soon as I get on top of all my homework, it piles back on. It's okay though, because I know I can handle it. Slowly and more and more I'm finding I can handle a lot more things. Except yesterday. Yesterday sucked, and no I don't want to talk about it. But today I did get complimented from Mrs Cohen. Not something you hear very often, but it seems that I was the only one who had a go at deconstructing a couple of poems that are alluded to in Prufrock, and she said I did really well. So that's boosted my esteem in English, and I feel like I'm on the right track, and if I put in the hard work, it pays off. But I think I like looking at a poem, picking out the little bits by myself, and then leaving it at that. I enjoy it more that way.

Looking forward to the Careers Market on Wednesday. It will be good. Hopefully the Business College I want to go to will be there and I can get some stuff from them. :) And I'm very looking forward to visiting the Mosque. It'll be good to experience a new religion. Not something a whole heap of people get to do very often. And it means another bus trip. :) I like bus trips.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on everything. Maybe this is all for the better. I know it's going to make us stronger. I think Prufrock's helping me realise that I need to be more grown up about my decision making. Think it through before I go making any decisions. It's just making me see things differently. And the two other poems, "The Road Not Taken" and "To his coy mistress" really opened my eyes. I don't know how, they just did. I highly recommend them, especially "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

I had something else to say but I can't remember. :) But I'm happier. Oh! Big, big, HUGE thank you to everyone who's been checking up on me the past few days. It means a lot.

:) I love you. xxx

looking forward.

:) I feel so :) all of a sudden. I'm in the process of working out the kinks in what I want to do. I think Hospitality Management is where I'm heading. I never really liked the idea of an office job, but something about the formalities of it and the idea of international work opportunities is so inviting. I love the idea of the formal work, I loved doing the different functions and being part of organisations that work on putting together functions. Going into a Hotel and being able to say, "I manage this. I run it." is what I want to one day be able to say. I want to be able to travel overseas and live in another country doing something I love. I don't know what part of the Hospitality industry I want to be in, but it is definitely in Hospitality. And the best part is I don't have to go to University. I can get all 4 certificates at TAFE, bonus.

I'm finally all caught up on my work, and could possibly be a little bit ahead of everyone. Biology was extremely satisfying today, because I'd already read through and taken note of the things on Active and Passive Transport, and Diffusion and Osmosis. I already knew it, so the worksheets were easier and it was more like revision instead of new work. :) I was pretty happy. I've decided that I'm going to sit by myself in class from now on. After trying it today I managed to stay on task and concentrate better than when I sit with other people. I've just finished four hours of study and I'm feeling so good.

Top all of that off with KFC, a gorgeous boyfriend and the best friends and family in the world and I'm pretty much set for being in the right head space for the next 50 weeks of schooling. 12 weeks of holidays, 4 terms and 8 weeks left of school. I don't know whether to be excited or scared, but one thing's for sure, I can't wait to get out there, be more confident in myself and in my choices, have an idea of where I'm heading, and the work I need to do to get there. All's left is to get a job and start saving, and I'll be set. Finally starting to work things out.

So I raise my glass to the future, because God knows I plan on making it so much better than the past I'm leaving behind.

the most boring of all...

Hello.

It's the second last day of the holidays and I'm mighty pissed off. I wanted to get so much done these holidays. And all I'm going to be able to tell people I did all holidays was sleep and watch movies. I still haven't been to the beach. We've lived here for 3 months and I still haven't been to the beaches. Shall have to go tomorrow.

My list of things to do tomorrow:
1. Visit Rosedale Beach and 'Stinky's' Beach with the dog.
2. Wash the dog.
3. Finish at least half the mountain of homework I have.
4. Dye mine and Hannah's hair.
5. Vacuum the house.
6. Clean the house (again).
7. Make cake and biscuits.

That's about it so far. So yeah, pretty much all I've done all holidays is sleep and watch movies. Occasionally stepped outside, but not very often. Planning a trip to beautiful Queensland, either in the next couple of weeks, or later in the Term. Today was pretty good. Mum was in a good mood so we went shopping. We bought 3 iPod docks and a couple other things.

"And when you're sad, remember,
That Linda is a skanky whore."

God I miss the Wedding Singer. And everyone I've spoken to is as well. I put earrings back in my ears for the first time in ages. Absolutely killed, and that was the other day. They still bloody hurt. And Friday night I was putting some wood on the fire and touched the side. Burnt my fingers, which means I now have distorted fingerprints, which means if I'm suspected for murder, (hypothetically) half of my fingerprint on my middle and ring finger on my left hand will be missing. :D Pretty cool if you ask me.

I think that might be it. :) Hopefully I'll get up at a decent hour and be able to see a few more hours in my day catching up on my holidays. :)
I guess I'll be seeing some of you soon. :)
I love you. xxx

Blog 100

So I'm writing Blog 100. Kind of weird. 100 is a big number. I'm currently sort of watching I Am Legend. Bestest, most saddest movie. Texting my favourite most bestest boyfriend. Haha, I say favourite like there's more than one. :S There isn't, I promise. Mind you I have a friend who has nicknamed us Declan and Cassidy. Thanks Laura, you bloody spastic.

Holidays have been alright so far. Done shit all. Haven't done any homework, spent two full days in bed doing nothing but watch movies. Spent Thursday in town with Bec, John, Brady, Ally and Kaileigh. Had a good time. Went into Romantacy and looked around while Bec bought her birthday presents, I think. Had a look through the catalogue of lingerie that they had. Some pretty good stuff. After that we went to the movies and watched Toy Story 3. Successfully cried again. Then we went back to Becs, watched Chicago and got 6 people into her bed. Then we had dinner and cake and bitched and then played Sing star and Guitar Hero. :) Then we went to bed. Sarah and I moved into the other room and watched Bring It On and bitched some more.

So that was Bec's birthday. I have decided that I don't believe a word you have ever said to me. You have 3 stories to where it happened and 5 different ways the guy died. Oh yeah, I still most definitely still believe you. Thanks for nothing.

I am missing you very muchly. :) Am very looking forward to next weekend though. Very very much. Can't wait to see you again. Missing hugs and kisses very very much. Mind you i have enjoyed the texts I call novels. Have the special ones saved in a secret place. :D And guess what! I love you, and I miss you, and you know what comes next. :)

So that's about it from me. :)
I love you. xxx

Love -v- Hate

Okay, so the last couple of hours I have discovered two new things. Love and hate.

Love: for the two people who've opened my eyes to what I've noticed, but disregarded. Love for their need to protect me from the person I've put so much time and energy into for the past year and a bit. I owe you guys so, so much. You have no idea how thankful I am at the moment.

Hate: for the person I put my time and energy into. Never, in my life have I felt more used, betrayed, disgusted, angry, upset, disturbed or spiteful. How little you must be to make up your stories. How insanely disheartened I am at what I've heard. I hate that I believed you. I hate that I haven't noticed it earlier. I hate everything about you at the moment. I just don't know what to say to you, how I would tell you this if I ever had the courage or the control to tell you all of this to your face.

But any way. The house is clean, courtesy of yours truly. Found out that you can iron a shirt. :D Yes I'm proud, but when you can iron 15 shirts, 4 skirts and 2 pairs of pants in under 2 hours, come find me. Then will I be proud. Still have no homework done, which sucks cos I'd very much like to get some of it done, even if it's just for one subject, I would be happy.

Anyway, I myself am slightly upset and am going to try and sleep, considering it's 1:30am.
I love you. xxx

just one of those silly moods. :)

:) I love having friends that I can have a whinge too.

So now I understand what you two went through and I am so sorry if I ever said anything. So yeah, I miss you. But God, I can't even begin to fathom what some people I know must feel. They're like on the other side of the world. I'm sorry if I ever complain again.

So. It's holidays.
Saturday I didn't get out of bed at all. Watched movies all day.
Sunday I went into town and had lunch at the pub. Then me and Hannah went and watched Eclipse. So good.
Today was spent doing the washing.

Not much to report on. Except that I now know that you're even more selfish than I originally thought. And you two are even more amazing than I thought you were.
I love you. And you guys too. So much. xxx

mi amoire

What a week. Had the best time at the musical. Thursday night was so much fun. Just forgot who I was for the night and let my hair down. Finished in the best mood. Had way too much fun to care what anybody thought. I just found a whole other me. And I like her. A lot. Yesterday was pretty cool. Got to spend the day in my pyjamas. Maddy told me my legs look good in heels. Hahaha, thanks Maddy.

Today was biggest lazy day. Slept until 10:40 and only got up to make pancakes and have a shower. :) Just had dinner, Mum asked if we had any alcohol, so I went and looked in the cupboard and found a bottle of Jim Beam and a bottle of Ouzo. God I'm good.

So I'm tired from being in bed all day, and my phone just died. Great.
Good night everybody.
I miss you. xxx

A Pig That Thinks It's A Dog.

It's funny how as a little kid you watch a movie and know nothing about it, or none of the dialogue makes any sense. Watching movies now, I can find a whole heap of different meanings. I'm watching Babe, and I haven't noticed it until now that in the beginning of the movie the voice over talks about a "paradise" for pigs when they're big enough. That means when they go to DIE! Oh my Jesus. How bad are these little kids movies. Last night I was watching Mulan and one of the ancestors was talking about a cross dressing uncle. :O

On another note, the Musical starts tomorrow. How exciting!!! Finally sort of have the dance down pat. Some people piss me off. Like something else. There are little Year 7 and 8 girls who think it's okay to stand backstage and talk away while we're running through a scene, or just stand in the girls change room. Like seriously guys, there obviously isn't enough room as it is; shut the fuck up, and get out of the fucking way. Haha, the alarm clock in Babe is dubbed "The Mechanical Rooster". Thought you'd like to know.

So what day are we up to? Saturday was lovely. Freezing, but still a good day. Watched Toy Story 3 with my favourite guy, and then went and had lunch. :) I had fun, it wasn't very long, but it was good. Footy, or what I saw of it was good. Jumped straight into the canteen when I got back. That was alright. Got a Chocolate Crackle for helping. Then I went upstairs and was playing with one of the players little girls. Zoe is her name, and she's absolutely gorgeous. Sunday rehearsals were pretty good. It's crazy how everything comes together within the last few rehearsals.

Babe is actually a kind of really sad movie. Finally ran out of things to say. :D
Good night all.
I love you. xxx

oh really?

Afternoon everyone.
So a bit/not much has happened since Tuesday. Australia has their first female Prime Minister. Very exciting. And she's a redhead. More power to you Gillard.

Musical rehearsals today. Getting better. I can now sing Filipino. Toy Story tomorrow. :D Very keen. Rehearsals again Sunday and Monday. Hopefully will wear my ugly pants on Sunday, if I remember them. Then have the musical on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday night is sold out, so I hear. :S Friday is chilled as. Pyjamas to school.

Talking to Tayla. :)
Fare well my darlings.
I love you. xxx

cheese.

Evening all.
Had a fantastically beautiful day today. Got woken up at 2am by a beautiful message from an incredible person. So the day was set to be great from the start. I don't even know why I was so happy, I just was. Handed in my English assignment. Glad to have handed that in. One more to hand in, and then that's it for the term.

Ally came back to school. :D Very happy to have her back, so is Brady. End of term is creeping closer, which means the musical is on soon. Getting kind of nervous. :S Oh well, it will be good. Hopefully.

Haha, Cheese. Stupid vicious cycle.

My day just went from :D to :'(

That is all from me.
I love you, more than before. xxx

franglais.

Hello. :)
Today was good. Finished my English assignment. And if I do say so myself, it looks pretty cool. :) I started and it looked shit, then I was walking through the backyard, and I saw this pot hanging on the fence and was like WIN! That's what I'm doing for my assignment, and changed my whole assignment. It screamed Fairies at me so I was like score. Very rarely do I find little inspirations like that and I'm glad I did, otherwise it wouldn't be done.

Yesterday was good. Had the Lions Club Dinner. I did set up for the musical for tomorrow. Got shit all done there. And when I got back to school it was all systems go. Mrs Harris and Mrs Hogg got me to be Maitre D'. It was so cool and unexpected. I'm glad though, it was the sort of confidence boost I needed. The night went well and the food was fantastic. Compliments from everyone to the chefs. Had a good chat to Kaileigh afterwards. After last night I think I'd really like going into the hospitality industry. Found a College in Sydney that does a Bachelor of Hospitality Management which would be something I could do. So hopefully I don't change my mind again, because I would love to do this.

On the way home with Mrs Harris she said I did really well and that everyone thought I did well. A bit more for the confidence and a bit on the ego. :) God knows I need it. Through the night got lots of support from everyone. Lots of hugs and compliments. :) Just what I needed after the past few weeks. Got home and had to clean my room. Didn't get to bed 'til midnight. Then fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Woke up about 9 and stayed in bed until 12. It was good.

Overall, the past couple of days have been pretty awesome. First musical rehearsal tomorrow, nervous and excited. Should be good. :)
Fare be well.
I love you. xxx

bert, bert, hey bert!

Where to start?
Got up a 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Bussed it to Sydney. Wicked was... wow. Words can't describe how fantastic it was. Defying Gravity, best song of the show. Watching it I felt kind of comforted because I knew a few of the songs from Music previously. BERT NEWTON was in it. :D I was more excited about seeing Bert than the actual show itself. I was all :D and everyone else was a bit "it's only Bert," and I was like "yeah, but Bert's a freaking legend!" Silly people. Bus back was :) :)

Today was okay, I think. The morning was tricky to get through. Everyone was so tired. Had a talk from a few of the "Speed Blitz Blues" NSW Cricket Team in second period. It was pretty cool. Got a "show-bag" with a poster and a wrist band and some pamphlets and a stress ball. :D

Then Bec roared at Cody and everyone got tense. So I got up and left, did some homework. Still have heaps to do. And two assignments. Cleaned the house again. At least got a thank you this time.

I'm finding myself home alone more and more. It's okay, I'm watching Happy Feet. Might have to do some homework soon. :S Oh well, good night ladies and jelly spoons.
I love you. xxx

get keen. :D

Dearest life, :)
You are wonderful at the moment. It's full of fabulous people. The weekend away seems to have done me some good. Very very so extremely insanely keen for Wicked tomorrow. :D :D I even made cookies for the occassion. Well actually, Coles made the dough, I just cut it up and put it in the oven. :D They still taste good.

Today was :D Except Hospo. Was a bit flat for that, but now it's all :D again. I'm a bit shocked at the amount of cookie dough I didn't eat. :) Now my hands smell like cookie dough. Yum. I am very much in love with this song "Quequn'un M'a Dit" by Carla Bruni. It's off (500) Days of Summer and it's all in French, so I can't understand much of it, but it's pretty.

Eh, GET KEEN PEOPLE!!!
I love you. xxx
Farewell. :D

:) --> :D --> :( --> :S

Leaving tomorrow. :( :( I don't know if I want to go back. It's so nice here. Bit fresh with the wind blowing. But I must say, it was awful nice to get away. Am getting very keen to go to Wicked. It's going to be fantastic.

Eh, I don't have much more to say. Oh, I got my costume for the "Side-burns Lady" for the musical. And you two seriously confuse the fuck out of me.

That is all.
I love you. xx

*relaxed*

Here in Toowoon Bay. So nice. I actually rekon I could live here. Everyone's so nice and the whole town is beautiful. It's a bit cold, but the sun's out and it's nice.

We left home a 5:47am and grabbed a McDonald's coffee and headed off. Went over the mountain and turned off to Goulburn. Went through Goulburn and got breakfast, saw the big arse jail. Then I drove until we got to Sydney. After that it wasn't too crazy. Traffic was a bit insane.

But now I have to do some homework and get back to reality. It's so peaceful here. Relaxed as. Had the awesomest Cheeseburger and had it at the lake side. It's beautiful. Can't get over how nice it is.

:):) I is off.
Fare be well my dears.
Love you. xxx

Terrigal.

:):) I'm actually starting to get keen to leave. Get out and get some fresh air, so to speak. We're only doing the "pre-trip" routine. Clean and wash everything so we have nothing to do when we get back. HAHA! Far out. Just finished the ironing. :D Still have other washing and crap to do, but I'm taking a break. :P

School is school. Everyone tried to steal my potato bake. It was so good. :) Gave what I couldn't eat to Brooke coz she had no food. :( I have lots of homework to keep me busy, and an assignment to do. :S Crap it. Slowly, slowly things are starting to look good. Next term I just have to stay on top of my work. Prioritise everything.

Mmmmm. Ice cream. :) I'm actually kinda hungry. :S Amazing Race. (Y) Good show. Um, hmmm. Oh, Hi Dylan. Sheesh woman. :) I love you. Silly boy.

Eh, I has to go put more washing on. :(
Good night,
I love you. xxx

black and red. red and white. white and blue.

:) :) At the moment I is in a good mood. We'll see how that changes by the end of this. Finally getting on top of my assignments. Sorta. Nearly finished CAFS and Mrs Harris gave me some good news about the Hospo assessment, so that's good. And I pretty much know what I'm doing for English, so once I get the main part done, I will be good.

Exams weren't too crash hot. :S Oh well. I is finding myself with new people around me. :) It feels good. But they're people who I've known for ages, but am coming to reconnect with again only recently.

Getting keen for next week. Getting somewhat keen and nervous for end of next term. Got a little shin-dig going down. My birthday is the last day of term, and then AFL Grand Final on the Saturday. Yew!!! Yew!!! Yew!!!

Have lots to look forward to. :) :)
I love you. xx

*breathe*

Once again, I find myself on the receiving end of the same old lecture. "You should be helping more," "I shouldn't have to come home and do everything." I don't know what to do. "I'm tired" she says. But really, she isn't the only one who hasn't been sleeping. "I'm so stressed at the moment, you guys have no idea!" When really, she's the one who doesn't know.

Today, for the first time, someone, a teacher, asked if I was okay. "You don't look alright." She stated, put her arm around me, and walked with me to the Netball Courts.

I'm trying to get this assignment done, but I can't get my head around it. And it's starting to get the better of me. Everything keeps piling up. I'm slowly getting on top of my school work, but missing out on Friday, Monday, Wednesday and next Friday isn't really going to help my situation. And only having one day at home of a weekend puts the pressure on from schools isn't helping at home either.

Eh, I don't know. Hopefully everything will start to work out soon. I know everyone's like "You're still young, this is nothing." But really, how many of them have walked in my shoes?

I love you.xx

"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you become."

Trust me, you won't guess who any of this is directed at.
To about 5 people:
I don't know what to say. I help all I can, but still nothing. You insist that all is well and tell me don't worry. Of all people to tell not to worry makes me want to be able to do something about it more. But it's out of my hands when I'm expected to know what you're thinking or what you'd like me to do about it. I want to help you, but some information or something would be good. I honestly can't express my feelings to you without having you blow up in my face. Even if you don't you'll still contest it. But you know how I feel, most of the time.

To 1 out of 5:
But what I hate most is when you try and guess what's wrong and are so off the mark it's not funny. And then you press for more information and it makes me want to scream. Sure there have been plenty of times when I've wanted to walk away, but you pull me back, refusing to let me go.

To 2 out of 5:
Thank you for always being there. But really, I'd like to help you when you're upset, but you won't let me, or you'll pretend that there's nothing going on.

To the other 2:
Really, you have controlled my life thus far and I would appreciate very much if you stopped. If you accepted that I am me, and I know what's best for me, you would leave me to my own devices and let me work out my own problems, and work out my own mistakes.

lista kado mou

Yeah Swanies!! I is writing a bucket list. None of which I have done yet, but am intending on doing so. But I thought I'd put up what I've got so far.

1.Go to McDonald's in Time Square NY.
2.Go to a Broadway Show.
3.Pasta and meatballs in Italy.
4.Do Kokoda.
5.Champagne in France.
6.Fish and Chips in England.
7.Oktoberfest in Germany.
8.Tomato festival in Spain.
9.Swim with Sharks.
10.Sky diving.
11.Bunjee jumping in NZ.
12.Jazz club in Chicago.
13.Disneyland in LA.
14.Photos with guards at Buckingham Palace.
15.Tequila shots in Mexico.
16.Eurovision.
17.Ride a donkey in Greece.
18.Cruise the Amazon.
19.Pass HSC.
20.Gelato in Italy.
21.Stonehenge.
22.St. Pat's Day in Irish pub.
23.Hula in Hawaii.
24.Dance in a gay nightclub.
25.Go to a Mardi Gras.
26.Get a photo with a Moose in Canada.
27.Curry in India.
28.2015 in Gallipoli for ANZAC Day.
29.Tulips and Windmills in Holland.
30.Ride a Camel in Egypt.
31.Hot air ballooning.
32.Ouzo shots in Greece.
33.Witness a Vegas Wedding
34.Tattoos.
35.Photos on the Eiffel Tower.
36.Gondolas in Italy.
37.AFL + NRL grand finals.
38.State of Origin.
39.Party in Rio de Janero.
40.Not get arrested at the Mexican border like Emily. :D
41.Not get arrested at all.
42.Get married.
43.Decorate a dinner set.
44.Decorate martini/champagne/scotch glass sets.
45.Run a marathon.

That's it so far. So basically all I've done all day is homework. Again, like any usual Sunday. :) Looking forward to getting this week over. Wicked next Wednesday. Then a fundraiser movie thing on Thursday, and the Lions Club dinner on the Friday. TOY STORY 3 comes out on Wednesday. Looking forward to going and watching it. :D



I love you. xx

monopoly.

"Well you can tell by the way I walk my walk I'm a cheese-balls man." Alvin and The Chipmunks 2. :) Good movie. Footy was good today. Boys won by 40 odd goals in the first grade; 17's won by about 6 or 7 goals. Good effort by the boys. I drove home from Narooma too. Didn't fuck it up until I was driving up the driveway. :) Very proud.
I take lots of photos while I'm at footy. Thought I'd share a few. :)
I love you. xx

2 months. ♥ ♥

Today was absolutely fantabulous. Walking to the bus stop, for a change I felt really good. Sent and received a message that set my day up for smiles. Then when we got to school me and Bridget helped serve breakfast in the canteen because Maria looked pretty confused and busy anyways. So that got us an extra hour service period. :D

First period was good. Told Maggie and Tayla they haven't lived coz of two things: "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Beatrix Potter and Peter Rabbit". Silly girls. Hospo was :)) Lesson with the saxophonists third was good. It was good to get back into it. Music theory on Pitch. Eh.

Lunch and recess have been pretty cool the last few days. Had Kaileigh and Brooke around. Um, what was next? MATHS!! :)) That was funny. We did that estimating height thingy. And we got to go outside and walk around and be outside. It was good instead of being inside all lesson. CAFS as usual consisted of summarising the textbook again.

Went into town this arvo and got a Subway sammich. Chicken Parmigiana on the Italian Herb bread. Always get it when I go in there. So good. Then I went and did another service period for the Leukaemia Foundation. Enfield, Lyttle and Hogg were there with their husbands and were on the champers and wine all night. So funny.

Just finished watching Alvin and the Chipmunks 2. 'twas good. So I'm guessing now that it's after 12 it's Saturday. Awesome.

That's it from me.
I love you. xxx

where?

Selfish people. One of my biggest pet hates. And when you're trying to explain to someone that you aren't feeling real great, it doesn't help when they turn the story around and pretend that you're fine and that their shit is worse than yours. Sometimes you have to way it up and see who really is worse off. But no, you're the one who's upset today, you're the one who needs help. That's fine, and I'm sure you can understand how I'm feeling. And why I've been so sick lately.

So not a lot of people actually know that. Yeah, I have been sick lately. And I haven't been in a real great place lately. And I'll confess, two of my blogs "she..." and "her..." are me, but I feel that if I write them in second person, that it really isn't my story and that if I do so, I can convince myself that I'm okay. When I really know I'm not.

So this is short. Sorry if I've ever said anything to offend anyone, sorry if I've ever hurt you, physically or mentally or emotionally. I know better than anyone that the harsh words latch to you memory better than the good. Shit I still remember crap people said in Year 2 and Year 3.

That's bout it. Nothing too crash hot, but it's there.
I love you. xxx

her...

The past couple of days saw her health change incredibly. The bleeding intensified and the migranes refuse to subside. She fears that there is some form of eating disorder coming along nicely. Her old friend wants to move in much more quickly than before.

Her friends don't see it, but she is hiding. She notices more and more that her acting is becoming increasingly better. But time will tell. Tell her who her true friends are, and those who of those who have pledged their love will still be around.

She feels that her teachers are becoming increasingly aware of her state of mind, and that she is slowly deteriorating. Both mentally and physically. Her lack of sleep continues to show face during the times where she needs to be most alert. Things that catch her attention are usually the negative.

But something catches her eye. Friends she didn't think she had begin to provide support, and she realises that there might be support there for her. That people actually care.

But she can't talk about it. People ask questions, ask how she's doing, "fine" is usually the answer, but more and more she allows people to know that her head actually isn't where it should be. They offer help, but denies them, assuring the she will be fine in getting to where she needs to be.

Perry the Platypus: The Movie.

xx Bec says:
"dear disney, we're professionals and we think "
Kass says:
that for a number of episodes, (two to be exact) we feel that you may need to consider dress Perry the Platypus from Phineas and Ferb in a penguin costume as we as though Phineas and Ferb may be suspecting Perrys secret identity
xx Bec says:
"also, we suggest that a love interest in the form of a mongoose be introduced for the aforementioned platypus"
"and the mongooses secret agent hat should have a flower, for easy identification"
Kass says:
of femininity. unless you feel that perry has homosexual tendencies, then by all means, make the mongoose male.
xx Bec says:
however gay animal sex may upset the little children
so please make the mongoose a feminine male, if he indeed must be male
Kass says:
if the mongoose and perry do indeed end up together, we feel that their offspring, (should there be any) may have little secret agent hats with flowers in them
xx Bec says:
and that they should be blue mongooses and brown platypusses, assuming the mongoose itself is brown, if not please edit where necessary
Kass says:
the family of platy-geese should live in a blue and brown camoflauge house made out of leaves
xx Bec says:
with a humourous pelican post man who occasionally gets their mail confused with their hedgehog neighbours, which will ensure constant laughs for all ages
Kass says:
perry should drive a car in the shape of a hat
xx Bec says:
and have a brown paper bag lunch packed by his wife for him everyday
Kass says:
and it should be a sammich with a fish on it
xx Bec says:
and the fish should have a musical number
Kass says:
and spongebob should make an appearance in the number
xx Bec says:
with patrick
and king julian!
Kass says:
AND NEMO AND DORY!!
xx Bec says:
omg yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and mort
Kass says:
and woody and buzz
xx Bec says:
oh how i love toy story
and mickey and pluto
Kass says:
oh hell just get everyone from disney in on it
xx Bec says:
except hannah montanna hahaha
Kass says:
haha, yours sincerely, bec and kass
xx Bec says:
hahaha indeed
im sure theyll agree
Kass says:
theyd have to
xx Bec says:
its such a convincing argument
genius id call it
Kass says:
imagine what would happen if they smooshe our brains together and made it one big brain
xx Bec says:
OMG!
world domination
in short haha
Kass says:
hahaha
xx Bec says:
at least one hell of a disney movie haha
Kass says:
hahaha,
PERRY THE PLATYPUS THE MOVE
or musical
dear disney, in regard to our previous email, we feel as though two episodes will not be able to handle the magnitude of our ideas and feel that it is now in your hands to create a new motion picture titled "Perry the Platypus: the movie"
xx Bec says:
hahahaha i think we go further
and have us as characters
Kass says:
BRILLIANT

she...

"Competent" "Bright student" "Doing very well" Just a few of the things she would usually get on her report from teachers. That they think she's doing well in her studies, but she needs to put in a bit of extra study at home. If only they knew.

If only they knew how hard she actually does try, that it's a constant struggle for her to get her head around the concepts of that subject. That something about the mix of school, social life and her health just doesn't seem right. That she has to pick one and run with it. And time and time again, she finds herself choosing school.

She hasn't eaten properly, let alone enough for the past month, since the holidays. That she hasn't not had a nightmare for about the same amount of time. That her head is revisiting an old friend who scares the crap out of her.She can feel the tension, anxiety and stress causing recurring health issues. She doesn't want to go back there, but can slowly feel herself slipping back.

And it doesn't help when teachers think that she's coping well, or that what she's doing or lack there of just isn't good enough. The love of her friends seems to be all that's holding her head above the water. The need to see them again, to spend the lunch breaks with them is keeping her afloat.

The slight chances that she may be able to grasp something or find herself enjoying the moment lifts her -temporarily- higher. That her mother and grandmother nag her about her lack in housework adds to the anxiety and stress she has already found herself floating in.

The pressures of being a teen get to her head and she finds herself overwhelmed. Soon to move into her final year of high-school, the pressures of everything march in and thud inside her head. The unveiling of new information encourages in her minds old friend, who brings with him old habits. She fears that soon she won't have enough steam left in her engine to keep going, that the two weeks holiday seems so much further away than just the month it really is.

She knows there is help waiting to take her hand, but she isn't sure how to go about it. How to ask. She knows there are people put there who are far worse off than she is, but how many know how hard it really is for her? How would they really react if they knew what was really going on inside her head? How would they react if they knew what she'd been through? If they knew everything. About the abuse, about the depression, about the addictions. About how much she had really been through.

Would they treat her differently? Would she get special treatments? Would she get the chance for teachers to back off and let her go at her own pace? For her to adjust slowly, but surely to her environment? To grow into her own shoes and finally get the acceptance from her parents, friends, grandparents and teachers that she needs to boost her esteem? Would they? How would she adjust? How would she change? How would she really cope? Would she be better off? Would she be granted what she needs?

But she stops, how would you react? What would you say? If you knew all?

helechoppper

Rain + Wind + Cold = Good day for doing shit all. There's only one thing that could make this better. :( Bring on the storm. The rain hasn't stopped since late last night.

I keep getting lectures off Yiayia on how I should do more for Mum and shouldn't make Hannah do stuff while I'm sitting doing nothing, but I have to do what she says because I'm lazy. I is very close to throwing punches soon. And she's here for another eight hours.

Woke up this morning and couldn't move. Stupid doing exercise and finding muscles. I swear after every game we play I actually find a new muscle. But yeah, if anyone wants to play let me know. We need more people. :):)

:S The wind just hit. Bahaha, the wind just blew a whole heap of leaves off the roof and it was like confetti. Pretty.

Watching the Wedding Crashers with Hannah and Mum and Yiayia. :s Awkward, and Mum keeps pulling funny faces. I love that the Grandma's so blunt about everything.
"What exactly is our situation Dad?"
"You're a homo."

I love you. xxx

foooooootyball

Where to start?

Footy today was good. 17's played brilliantly. They won 114 to something crap. Then the girls played. We did alright, lost hundred and something to 14 or 20, but we raised almost $1000 for the McGrath Foundation, so that was cool. We were getting $70 a goal so that was brilliant. My body went all jelly after the game.

Had a couple of shots for goal, got one from a free kick from a push in the back, got it through but Johnny Veneris called it a behind. Silly Johnny. And then I just completely missed the other one. Was on a heaps sharp angle and kicked off the side of my foot and it went out on the full. Hehe. So we lost, but it doesn't matter, it was for a good cause and we all had fun.

Then the senior boys won 145 to something shit. They came back from 3 or 4 goals behind and won by 9 or 10 goals. Very very proud to be a Seahawk. :D

Eh, I is out.
I love you. xxxx

Billy Bob's Bourbon Bar =B.Y.O. Bar

To bloog, or not to blooog. I shall just write about today. Again. Morning started with breakfast for a change. Um. What else? I made a coffee and a hot chocolate in Hospo. Biology was okay, we did Taxonomy, pretty interesting actually. Caught up on some Maths homework in recess and then double music was pretty awesome. "Jammed" and did a bit of microphone testing.

Lunch as always is interesting. Maths was good, for a change finished everything in class. CAFS made me angry. Mrs Whiting was going on about how we should all have been started our profile things for our assignment and I haven't done mine because I've had a really crappy, she pretty much told me that it wasn't good enough.

Came home and cleaned the house again. Then Mum brought MY car home. She wants to swap. Tis very awesome. I had to reverse it and park it again. So I reversed, hit the Elders "For Sale" sign out the front just missing the tree, hill started and parked it. All without Mum in the car.

So I'm obviously not at Shorebreak. But Jake is. Don't actually see how he deserves to be going. And Yiayia's here again. She's attempted folding washing and doesn't believe that I have a boyfriend. Haha. Oh well. Now we are having McDonald's ice-creams. :):)

Eh, that's it.
I love you. xx

vroooom

Tense. That's the only word I can used to describe how I feel at the moment. I don't know whether to be excited or frustrated. Mum told me this afternoon that I'm getting a car tomorrow. But the inconsistency in the appreciation of what I do makes me angry. I don't know what to do except sit on my bed and stare at the wall, changing glares between an image of Raphael and a Libra poster.

So yeah, I'm getting a car. A little red Barina Swing. Nothing too hot, but I like it. And it should go fast too. So what if I don't have my P's, I have it to learn in and then when I get my P's it's mine.

Today was okay. Maths as always is pretty okay. I did my last Music assessment today, so my exams are officially over. Double English was okay. I get to be Hermia while Mrs Cohen is away for 5 weeks. :D Hopefully her daughter will be okay. Double Biology was pretty cool. Went through the exam. Mr Hynes said "Octopussies" Everyone was in hysterics.

Went to footy. That was okay, I guess. My kicking's not too crash hot at the moment. Hopefully it'll get better before we play on Saturday. Bit nervous about that. Went and had dinner at Yiayia and Papou's. Chops and Chicken and Potatoes.

I has found myself a book to write all my random thoughts in. Things I want to put in a blog, but they're only one liners, so I now can write them in a book. :)

So I'm home. My back hurts, my shoulders are so sore. I shall go has a shower and some sleep.
I love you. xx

"Be a turtle."

~Sorry if I made you upset. I didn't mean to.
~Thanks for trying to make me smile. It kinda helped.
~Every time I read "Be a turtle" I try not to cry and feel stressed.
~Why is there a bottle on my desk?
~Apparently I have so much more self-control than I thought I did.
~Who cares what people write in their blogs? If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.
~Fruit & Nut Chocolate. <3
~That wine tastes like Nail Polish remover.

I love you. That's a start, right? Um. Hmmm. You are honest to God incredible. I don't know what or where I would be without you. Yeah, yeah, so I coped for a while without you, but before then was the hardest part of my life. And only a few people actually now understand why. Including you.

The past couple of days have been rough, I'm sure that you can understand that. But not once did I stop to think what it was doing to everyone around me. I'm sorry, but this was all going to come out eventually. And I can understand how it's hurting you. You have your stuff too. Sorry I didn't think about that. I do love you.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I shall be talking to you tomorrow.
I love you. :) xxx

ridonkulous.

FAVOURITE...
song: Forever-Chris Brown.
flower: Roses.
colour(s): Pink, blue, purple.
scent: Lavender.
movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
food: lamb on the spit.
team: Swans; Roosters; Seahawks.
show: Desperate Housewives & Brothers & Sisters.
drink: chocolate milk.

Today was. It just was. Music went okay. Did my assessment for "Blue Mood". I think that went alright. CAFs was were shit started to go down hill. Sat outside the room for a bit trying to relax. Then recess got a bit hectic. English for a change was awesome. Laughed alot before putting in my earphones and tuning out the world. Did a little bit of work. Then Hospo was. It just was. Started the Barista topic today. That was good except I missed everything.

Disclosed some pretty scary stuff from the past to a few friends. Then I went back to Hospo and then sat by myself for a bit. Then we went to lunch. I love lunch. Stupid. I love it when memories just make you go mental. I didn't eat. And then we went back to Hospo and Mrs Harris was like "Have some soup." So me and Kayla had some soup. And then Biology was a blur. I don't remember much, except that we had Miss M again and I couldn't be arsed doing work so I played games. Oh well.

Went to town this arvo. Didn't do much. Then we went to Yiayia and Papou's. Yiayia gave me a blanket and a book with a letter inside it. Kinda scared to read it. Then I went to footy, but I couldn't train coz my knee ducked itself. Then we came home and now I'm falling asleep again.

So all round rough as guts day again.
I love you.
P.S. I hopes you like your special.

space heater. ♥ ♥

I love you. Like, I can't even fathom it. It actually hurts when you're not around. Like there is a part of me missing. I did have a friend once tell me that she's noticed that I'm one of those people who isn't right unless I have another half, that I'm not totally me.

I always said I wouldn't be one of those people who would go on about how much they love their boyfriend, or go on about love and all its sickly adding. But I can't help myself. I know I've never felt like this before and it's incredible. That there is one person who can turn your whole night around. That can make you feel so incredibly special, more so than you actually are. Words like "amazing" and "beautiful" that make your head spin because the only people you've heard those used as a descriptor before was from your Mum and best friend.

I don't know what to say. I've found myself lost in his words. Lost in time. Sometimes I feel as though this is all a cruel joke and I'm going to wake up soon and their are going to be people who laugh at me when I tell them what's happened. But I pinch myself and it's all real.

But what do you do when this is all new? When there are things that you thought you'd never feel in your life and it all comes to you at once. I personally am ecstatic, but I worry sometimes that something might go wrong and that will be it. That all this will stop and there's going to be a time when all these feelings end.

Two years later, two years on and off and the whole time it was mutual.
I love you.
xx :)
And Mr. Space Heater, you're stuck with me.

stoopid.

-Stupid brother.
-Stupid Music.
-Stupid English.
-Stupid Dad.
-Stupid your brother.
-Stupid school.
-Stupid sleep.
-Stupid you.
-Stupid people.
-Stupid being sick.
-Stupid you and your stupid your being sick.
-Stupid being sick making me do stuffs more.
-Stupid silent freak out in the middle of Music.
-Stupid Maths.
-Stupid running out of Earl Grey.
-Stupid you and your stupid holiday.
-Stupid your Mum.

-Thank you Mrs. Cohen for being away today.
-Bit of heads up would've been nice.
-Silly boy. :)
-I love you. More than I think you care to realise.

mature?

Things could be worse. I have people that love me and I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Sometimes it gets hard to make ends meet, but I have it better than some. And I know I've seen stuffs that will deffinately scar me emotinally and effect the choices I make in the future, but that's who I am.

Spent the day with Kayla. Talked abit about getting tattoos. I has decided that I want all my grandparents names on the inside of my left ankle, and "my love" in French or Italian on one of my wrists.

Then we went and visited Kayla's Nanna. I love Nanna. She's funny. And after that we dawdled home. We were there for a while, talking about nothing while Nanna was at lunch.

Talked about how much our group has sorta matured a fair bit over the past couple of months. Bahahah. I love the Chipmunks. Everything sounds so much better when they sing it. Right mature. Yeah, we've all been through a bit together.

Anywho, I is bore-ed. Night all.
I love you.

illegal

Today was good. Finally got out of the house and back into footy. Driving lesson this morning went well. Drove up the back of Malua and Dunns Creek Road, then through Catalina and along beach road for a bit. And then got back into footy.

For some unknown reason I've been put in charge of handling Game Day paper work for home games. So I had that going, then I chilled for a bit in the car, watched the boys warm up while I warmed up in the car.

So after all the games happened and the awards were given out, we played the DVD of the first Seahawks Premiership in 1985. When the end of the DVD came around we played "We Are The Champions" and let the music play. Then there were photos and I was standing behind the bar, not expecting to have to serve when a man came up and asked for a beer. Without thinking about it I gave him his beer and took the money. :S Very illegal, might I add.

I ended up serving for 15 minutes while there was no one else there, then a man asked if there was a "tips" jar, so Mum threw a bowl on the counter and said there you go. The man threw $4.50 in there. Mum stole the bowl and wrote "Kass' Tips" on the inside. By the end of it I'd made $5.50 off drunk old guys who "appreciates the work of young girls who do hard work for their club". Honestly, I was flattered. And pretty stoked at my efforts. $5.50 for illegal work. Good work Kass.

And that was my crap-tastic day. And the story of how I illegally made money. :)

I love you.

lies + drugs = abuse

It's funny. One minute we can be fighting, the next we're screaming with laughter at 11 o'clock at night. Sometimes, I confuse myself.

It's also funny, that you imagine what life will be like after school. Going to University, falling in love, getting married, having a family, and growing old with the person you marry. But all to often that love never lasts. And the implications it not only has on the two people involved, but their children.

And that's the one thing I'm most terrified about. Divorce. Separation. Because I've witnessed and experienced it first hand. The lies, the deception, the abuse, drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty sure I've seen it all, experienced it all. That someone can "love" someone but can go out and sleep around and then get stoned or drunk or both, and then come home and abuse their family.

It hurts, and the one thing that I could never do is cheat on someone. It would break my heart if I did it, or if someone did it to me. I don't think I could ever find it in my heart to forgive them or myself for that matter.

I worry that divorce or separation could happen to me. And I don't want it to. Ever to come close. If there is a God, He will not let it happen to me. Or anyone for that matter. It terrifies me. That something so precious to someone can just. Push them over the edge.

My Dad moves away next week, and my chances of seeing him at all slim even more. Paper thin now more than ever. But then there are the people who wish their parents lived closer, and I wonder why I can't have that sort of relationship with mine. But then again, have they seen what I have?

I don't know whether to cry or not. But that's just me.

I love you.

driving

So the Hospo prac didn't go as bad as I thought. I didn't do my Music Assessments because we ran out of time. Procrastination you've succeeded once again.

When we got out of Music everyone in the first group was telling us all how hectic it was and how bigger Nazi's they were. We went in and were fine. Everyone put their heads down and concentrated. Got my main out within the first hour and a half, then had ages to do my dessert. But once one person finished their main, everyone did.

Overall I wasn't stressed until I thought my Anglaise Sauce was curdling, which it was, but once it was served and plated it was fine. Huge weight off my chest and all was good again. I think everyone overall did pretty well. All the prep had to be done before you started. I did all my prep for the main first, cooked, plated and served, then did all prep for my dessert. One dish at a time.

I just finished my first driving lesson. It was good. Ian, I think his name was. He was nice. So I drove around Broulee and then Tomakin and then home. It was good. I is happy.

Now I'm home and have a killer headache again. Just ate my food from Hospo. The Chicken was awesome, but I gave it to Hannah coz it made my headache worse (tomatoes make my headaches worse). And then I had the Pears. Fuck they were good. It would've been good if I fridged it before I served it. The Anglaise was perfect after sitting in the cool room for a bit. Anywho, I let Hannah have A bite and then I ate the rest because it was too freaking good to share.

I have another driving lesson in the morning. Haha. :S The dog's trying to impregnate the cat again. Um. OH! Dylan the Red Nosed Reindeer. :S Sorry babe, but you've gotta admit it was funny. :) OH! I saw John in his boxers. That was lovely.

That's it I think. :)
I love you. (L)(L)(L) xxx

breakdown.

Today was. Different. Had the Hospo exam first up. At about 10 I looked at the clock and my breathing started getting heavy and my eyes welled up. I looked at the roof and then to my paper. I had about two or three questions to go. I had to leave.

I got permission and walked to the toilets and sat on a toilet and sobbed for a bit. Then I walked back to the exam and sat outside while I tried to compose myself. Then Mrs Harris came out and tried to get me to talk and I just cried even more. Eventually I got back into the exam and finished what I could. Breakdown in the middle of an exam. Awesome Kass, good work.

And then I spent the better part of the day pretty down. And then we got to English. Shit that was scary. We walked in and everyone expected to get pummelled. We didn't. She was unbelievably calm and talked to us about how we should be going about doing study and stuff. And then we watched the end of A Midsummer Night's Dream. It was funny.

Now I is home alone and very tired. We have a monstrously huge day tomorrow. Music and Hospo Pracs. Hopefully I can do my Music assessment early so I can try and relax a bit before Hospo. Crazy stupid freaking people for putting both exams on the same day. Should be shot.

Eh, good night world. :)

I love you. xx

S.S. Maths Exam.

Exam week. I love it. Like I love tourists and homework.

The week actually started shit house. Music. I ballsed that up so bad. As soon as I got in the room I forgot every word I'd studied the night before. Then English. I am actually scared of getting that back and the lectures we're all gunna get about it.

Tuesday went better than I thought. CAFS went okay. I forgot a few things, but remembered the important stuffs. Biology was ridiculously easy. I didn't study at all for Biology and am glad. Actually, I'm gunna blame my doing so well in Biology on being so relaxed. Chilling on the netball courts beforehand, actually helped.

Today we had Maths. Shit me. If all the exams are like that, I'm gunna do brilliantly in General. When I looked at the clock I had like and hour 10 to go and I was on the last question. Then I finished and watched Bec make a Pirate Ship. Awesomest thing in the world. Then we all spent the rest of the day in the library. Ally dropped her drink bottle on Brady's bits and we talked to Bec about Dracula.

Now I has a burny hot cup of tea and need some sleep again. 3 exams to go. Except I don't officially finish until Tuesday when I do my last Music assessment. Hospo tomorrow should be good. Only worried about the legislation stuff, hopefully that'll be alright.

Mum's still telling me I'm lazy and don't study and spend all my time on Facebook and MSN. Well actually. I've spent the last week doing heaps of study and haven't been or seen the footy field in about a month. So you're right again. I do nothing. I don't study, I don't do homework, I don't care about how well I do in my exams, because you've obviously taken notice.

That's all from me. :)
I love you. and apparently you guys too. :)

singing in the rain.

Rain. I don't know why, it makes me happy. I think about what was said today and the hopes of two girls who don't want anything in their lives to change. Relationship-wise.

I think way too much. The sound of the rain makes me think more. I dont't even know what to write there's so much buzzing around in my head.

What would've happened if I answered differently?
What was actually said?
Almost two years.


I love you.

PS. Kayla and Bec. I owe you big time.

hypocrite.

Seriously. This afternoon when Mum came into my room and told me I should get off Facebook and MSN because I have exams. Sure, that's fine, but when the other two hand in exams late and get D's and E's on their report, being in special ed classes (sorry, i don't mean to offend), or are seeing the counsellor about anger issues or have a detention every other day that's fine?

How's about a bit of recognition for getting A's and B's on my report and passing my tests and assessments, for never having had a detention or had to be called to the school for being a complete dickhead? What about when I get awards instead of detentions?

Seriously. It pisses me off that she can say that I'm falling behind on my work when Hannah and Jake are failing and she hasn't finished an assignment that was due over two months ago.

So now I have to get off again because she just walked in and gave me the "Shouldn't you be studying?" speech again. I've finished CAFS and should probably start Biology. Here's to exams and hypocrites!

quizz-a-majig

Are you happy where you are right now, relationship- wise?
im not complaining. :)

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you love/like?
:'( what?

Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
sure. i never did though, but sure.

Is the last person you hung out with single?
no.

When did you last talk to your number 2 in person?
my what?

Last thing you drank was?
hot chocolate.

Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast?
no.

Have you been hugged or kissed recently?
yep :)

Someone comes running at you with an weapon, what do you do?
pull out my judo skills and woop their arse. (funny thing is i actually did judo)

How are you feeling today?
started out sick, then anxious, then pissed off, then scared, then not too bed.

How is your heart lately?
alive.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
for the first time in about a week, no.

Is there anyone you wish to fix things with?
no. i dont.

Do you have a deep dark secret?
a couple. theyre not so dark anymore though.

How many people know it?
school, kayla, dylan.

Anything bothering you right now?
my leg hurts. probably coz im sitting on it funny. OH! and exams.

Is there someone you liked so much and nothing ever happened?
yeah.

If someone liked you would you want them to tell you?
no. coz i know what i get like when people tell me they do.

Have you lied in bed with the last person you kissed?
nope.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
yeah. :) :)

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
fucking stupid...i like this song.

Can you recall the last time you really liked someone?
yeah?

Do you find smoking unattractive?
it's kinda weird actually, i don't care if they do or not, coz i've been around smokers my whole life.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?
chocolate. dylan. chocolate. did i mention chocolate?

Has anyone put their arm around you in the last 5 days?
yep.

Is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching in the face now?
haha, not so much anymore.

How many piercings do you have?
one in each ear.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
nope.

Which one of your friends would you get arrested with?
umm, any of them. buts most likely bec, come to think of it.

Are you a party person?
i couldn't actually tell you.

Were you drinking the last time you threw up?
no. actually. :S yeh, i was, oh god. that was new years. shit that was a good night.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
hahaha, sure have. i didn't realise they were high. but come to think of it, yeah, way more than i thought i did

Say your last ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say?
what do you want?

Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?
no. i dont think so.

Last place you stayed other than yours?
aunty pens

Sleepover soon?
fuck i hope so.

You're rude, aren't you?
maybe a lil bit.

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
...yes?

Is there someone you will never forget?
:) lots of.

What is your relationship status?
happily taken.

What are you doing tomorrow?
fuckin exams.

What have you done today?
woke up. bus. stress. exam. eat. study. stress eat. home. eat.

Are you happier now or three months ago?
deffo now.

Honestly, if you could go back three months and change something would you?
if i knew things turned out the way they have, yeh.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
yep.

Do you find piercings attractive?
depends.

Will this weekend be a good one?
exams. no.

Mr HighnMighty and Mr Man

Today was a big day for study. And I stuck to my plan and studied Music and English, but spent most of my Music time on actually playing. Nailed Moondance and that other stupid song's coming together too. I had to rearrange them both so I could understand it so it didn't sound stupid. :) Pretty proud of my efforts actually.

Seriously, there are a couple people, one in particular, who needs to get off his high horse. I might actually hit him. The other one is cool. We sorted shit out. But it's funny how one person, lets call him Mr HighnMighty. Okay, so me and a friend were talking about stuff, and we wrote something in our MSN pm box, and Mr HighnMighty didn't like that very much and told the other person, Mr Man, about it. So Mr Man got upset, and the n we sorted that out, but Mr HighnMighty is still on his stupid horse and if shit goes down on Monday I might actually attempt to hit him. I don't think his girlfriend will appreciate it very much.

Stupid Mr HighnMighty and his over reacting. He just made me so angry. Like I wanted to explode. But why would he get so worked up about it? Mr HighnMighty needs some serious therapy or some Happy Pills.

That's about it actually. I had a mighty shit-tastic day.
Night night.
I love you. xxx

i love you

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another is essential to your own."

And it sorta is. I didn't realise it before, but that's kinda true. And over today and yesterday I found myself down in the dumps because this wonderful boy I found myself head over heels about was in a pretty rough way.

But I've just been reminded of how much of an awesome "topic" he is. Silly boy. And it seems as though he needs these blogs more than I do. :) Super silly boy.

Haha, I told Fiona, the singing teacher the other day that we're together. Apparently she had no idea and always thought we'd be a good couple. And followed with a question that sorta stunned me. "And are you a good couple?" I had to stop for a second and think. Yeah, I think so.

The past couple months have been pretty tough on everyone, what with exams and super ridiculous amounts of pressure on everyone from home as well. It kinda sucks actually. No one's ready. No one's even nearly ready to take them on. So instead of going to footy, for the fourth week in a row, I'm staying home to study. Again.

Except I think I've worked out a plan. Work out which exams I have on what day, so I have English and Music on Monday, and spend tomorrow on them, and then CAFS and Biology on Tuesday, so I'll spend Sunday on them. :) I feel so clever.

I've got this new-ish friend who's helped me through the past couple of days. He's like a big bear and knows how to make people laugh, but knows when the serious shit's going down. Very quickly becoming one of the nicest guys I know.

Eh, that'll do.
Night all. xxxx
I love you.

you just never know really.

"If you're standing in front of a Greek and food comes into the room, get out of the way."-Nia Vardalos.

"He don't eat no meat. What do you mean he don't eat NO MEAT!?"-Aunt Voula.

So I found out today, that instead of the world ending in 2012, it's actually a way of life. So instead of everyone processing their thoughts and problems through the mind, they're going to have to process that information through the heart instead. And there's going to be a whole heap of tears while people adjust to the change.

Believe it if you will, but that's what I'm thinking of it all.

Woo. I'm home alone again on Saturday. And my plans? Study. :S

I've been unusually tired lately. Stress I think, anxiety maybe, I dunno. It's stupid. Can't wait for next week to over and done with. No exams, not as much pressure, and lots of sleep next weekend. :)

Eh, that's all.

Oh, hey Dylan, you're still silly. :) :)

love love. xx

:) :)

My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Love it. Reminds me how much I love being Greek, even though it's only on Mums side. The food, the music, the family, the customs, the language, the five-hour-long church services.

So I realised today, that I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel the need to be all pissed and shitty anymore, that I got my message through. I'm sorry about my means of doing so, but it needed to be said.

Except I've noticed that every time someone asks how things are or what happened, I feel the need to run to the bathroom and throw up because it feels like someone punched me in the guts.

"And now, it's time fort the bondt cake." "YOU FIXED IT!!"

And I also realised that if I actually sit down and do some study, I can get it done. I've done three pages for Maths and four for CAFS. I am actually getting somewhere. :D YAY!

Um, I'm gunna kill the idiot who decided to teach English as a compulsory subject. They should be shot.

Goodnight.
<3<3<3 iloveyou&you&you.

κορίτσι ελληνικά

-I love it when I make dinner and it tastes good, and fills the house with the best aroma. :)
-I downloaded some Greek music. Love it. Makes me want to dance, and for some reason picks my mood back up. :)
-Silly Wood Fire is making everything hot. People are complaining about the cold outside and I'm kinda sweating. :S
-Shit dinner was good. If I do say so myself. :D
-Blackbird-Sarah McLachlan. <3
-I'm sorry I sounded like a bitch, it's just stuff I needed to get off my chest. :(
-I love you. :)
-Χριστός να με βοηθήσει.
-I can't find my CAFS textbook. :S
-Sirtaki. <3
-Σ'αγαπώ.
-Fuck Exams.
-"Put some Windex on i'."
:):):) night night. xxx

what would you like me to do?

It seems as though I was very angry in my last couple blogs. But I can't help that. It honestly wasn't my fault. I was a bit shaky until this morning, and every time I find myself alone, the shakes come back.

But things should, hopefully, over the next couple of weeks. I need to push my way through these exams and all will be good. Hopefully. Bit scared about exams actually.

I'm watching High School Musical. Reliving the musical days, now haunted with a terrifying new memory. But who was in the wrong? Was it him? Or was it her? I guess no one will ever know. But I know where I stand.

"It'll all be okay" "Everything is going to be fine." Yeah, but from whose point of view? My Aunty wanted me to stay in Wagga so that I don't have to put up with this shit anymore. Start a new life and move on from the crap. And I actually considered it, and to some extent, still am.

On a somewhat lighter note. I'm lucky. Incredibly lucky. You know someone likes you when they put up with all your shit and doesn't complain when you're being annoying or whinge about everything wrong in your life. Thank you so much babe. I owe you big time.

Anywho, I'm off. Big day of school again tomorrow. :S
loveyou. xxxxx :) :)

Sorry.

I'm sorry about my previous post. But I don't think I can do it anymore. I love you, but I'm over second guessing myself. If you must, you must. Go right ahead, I won't stop you anymore.

I came to Wagga, specifically, to forget the things that have gone on since February, when I was here last, and you knew full well that I wanted to enjoy myself. I've cried way to much already. I've sat outside in the cold and bawled my eyes out to the point that I gave myself a blood nose. I don't know if anyone realises how helpless and isolated I actually feel at the moment. I want to be with everyone as support, but I don't know how good-a-support I would be.

I feel somewhat guilty for not being there today while everyone else was out. I sat at the Wagga Racecource hyperventilating. Alone. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I had no one. I sat there hyperventilating and alone.

I love you, but I don't know if I can help you anymore.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. You knew I was here to have fun and you just ruined my whole fucking frame of mind for the whole fucking weekend. Seriously, be a bit more considerate.

YOU FUCKING KNEW!YOU KNEW THAT I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE SHIT AND READJUST MY MIND FRAME, AND ONE MESSAGE, ONE FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE SCREWED THAT UP.

I hope you're fucking happy.

Only upside to this weekend. Tomorrow I'm partying with 6 year olds.

So thank you.

oh god

Okay, I'm in Wagga, thank God. Almost didn't get here. Power steering shat itself this morning and almost didn't get a car and then we got my Papou's car and now we're here.

And my iPod shat itself, and my putey wouldn't connect to the internet. But now I'm on and my iPod's fixed, and I'm tired.

Ohmygod. On the way up, there were trucks and cars going between 130-150. Shit it was scary, especially driving at night. And we got blinded by the Sun coming and Mum swerved off the road and we were all like "GAHHHHHH!!"

But it was funny. Hannah rolled down the window and screamed "MOOOOOO!!!" One Cow looked.

So that's my pretty (un)eventful day

<3 loveyou. :):)

stupid computer.

Okey dokey. I has to write this quick coz I'm on Mums puter coz mine decided to shat itself and get all infected with viruses and what not.

Today was good. English will be the death of me. Hospo was awesome, as usual. Double CAFS was hi-larious. The first half of the double got all my set work for the whole double done and in the second half we all played "who can draw best" and sat and laughed alot. Maddy and I made the best Wanted poster in religion. And then maths was easy and stupid.

And now I'm home, my computer's fucked and I just worked out that the next four days are going to be incredibly long. :( God damn.

Okey doke, that's bout all I got.

loveloveyou. :) :) <3<3<3
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quizzy things. #1

:) borrowed this little quiz from Emily. THANKS!!


How many drugs are in your system?
none.

How tall is the last person you talked too?
Um, in person? Bout a head height shorter then me.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
school. homework. pack. sleep.

What colour is your iPod?
Puuurrrrrple

Do you always answer your texts?
yeh, unless i have no credit

Who was the last person to text you?
Dylan

If you didn't go to the school you currently go to where would you go?
I dont know.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
yeh. shame.

Do you fall for people easily?
yeh.

Is it easier to pretend everything's okay for you?
sometimes.

When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex?
tomorrow. :D

Whats your current mood?
(Y)

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
huh? no.

Do you own a digital camera?
yeh but it doesnt work proper.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept?
nah.

How did you spend the last five minutes of 2009?
pretty wasted

Were you worried about anyone last night?
always

How old will you be in 2012, the year that the world is meant to end?
19

Are you scared for anything in the future to come?
yeh. lotsa things.

Was your new years a good one?
yeh, until i had to reintroduce myself to the toilet bowl.

What are you doing right now?
drinking grapetiser from the bottle. watching lord of the rings. contemplating homework.

Do you think you will become a better person this year?
hope so.

Did you get any drunken phone calls last night?
nup.

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
tomorrow. wagga.

Have you ever worn false eyelashes?
no.

When was the last time you saw snow?
i was about 4

What did you do yesterday?
school. homework. sleep.

Are you wearing make-up?
not today.

Do you think you are pregnant?
as far as i know im not.

Where would you most like to visit?
everywhere. the world's a good start.

If you had a tree that could grow anything you want, what would it grow?
money and chocolate.

What does your last outgoing text say?
:) nighty night <3<3<3 you too xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Did you have fun last night?
nope.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing?
Hospo pants. I dunno, school ordered them.

Do you follow your head or your heart?
both. both seem pretty freakin smart.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you’re at now?
god no.

Are you a jealous person?
depending on the circumstances.

Reason for the last tear shed?
i yawned

Don't you hate it when your cell phone dies right in the middle of a conversation?
never happened, but i can imagine how it could be.

Do you hate it when you know someone first, and someone else starts talking to them more?
eh, not really.

Are you currently talking to/ texting/ instant messaging anyone?
:) yup

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
i was in public.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
SLEEP!!

grapetiser and the lord of the rings.

-Year 11 Biology 2010, the definition of immature. :D

-Grapetiser <3

-1 month babe. <3<3<3

-English. F*ck you're a pain in the arse.

-Pumpkin Ravioli. F*ck you're good.

They're all the random things flying around in my somewhat empty mind at the moment. I'm watching Lord of the Rings for the first time in like forever. Hopefully I get to go to the races on Friday. At this point it looks like I won't be because Hannah and Jake have to go where ever I go because otherwise it's just not fair. You know? Because I'm the oldest and I can't do anything unless Hannah and Jake come too.

What else goes on? Keen to get to Wagga. Just to get away from here and get some fresh air. But I know when I get home there'll be someone waiting for me. :)

Anywho. I'm out.
ily babe. <3<3<3

PS. That's my dog with my toothbrush.

DINNER!!

I'm sorry, but I'm in a fan-fucking-tastic mood. I found out I haven't put on too much weight since the formal and can wear my dress to the races!! Except my feets are gunna kill me afterwards. Ah well. I'm keen.

I'm also keen for Eclipse, Robin Hood and Toy Story 3 to come out. :D

Today at recess, Bec, Ally and I realised that in our days of Kalbecy (yeh, we had a group name), we did alot of things that now seem somewhat ridiculously immature. And our boyfriends are desperately trying to find out what, with not very much success. :D

Um, what else is new? I have both of my songs picked for Music Exam, here's to learning them in time. =\ And I've picked what I'm gunna do for my Rock song, when we do Rock. :D

I just poked myself in the eye. Don't know why I felt the need to share that.

OOH! Dinner. Lamb shanks. :D :D :D
ily <3<3<3

powers.

When I read other people's blogs, I don't want to pity them, I want to help. But I just don't know enough about them to do so, or I'm not close enough to them. I want to sit with them and help them get through their difficulties, but my being introverted and not wanting to seem nosey, I stay out of it.

I found my crystals last night. I don't know why I like them, but their simple beauty fascinates me. And the powers that they're supposed to have makes me wonder what I could use them for. I love that a Rose Quartz is supposed to empower love in your life, a Clear Quartz invokes the clear conscious and a Tiger Eye, especially the Red Tiger Eye can help you focus.

I have an Amethyst that I wear for "protection" with a pendant of Raphael for healing. I don't know why, it's just comforting. I like the idea of calling on the supernatural for help. Occasionally. I have a whole heap of faith in the Angels and Saints, more than I do for God. I believe if anyone's going to help you, you might as well ask the patrons.

Anywho, I just found out I'm going to the races in Wagga on Friday :D:D:D:D:D:D So keen.

OOH! Big yay for Brad-y and Ally P for making 3 months. Awe you two.

I dunno what else to write.

<3<3<3<3