she...

"Competent" "Bright student" "Doing very well" Just a few of the things she would usually get on her report from teachers. That they think she's doing well in her studies, but she needs to put in a bit of extra study at home. If only they knew.

If only they knew how hard she actually does try, that it's a constant struggle for her to get her head around the concepts of that subject. That something about the mix of school, social life and her health just doesn't seem right. That she has to pick one and run with it. And time and time again, she finds herself choosing school.

She hasn't eaten properly, let alone enough for the past month, since the holidays. That she hasn't not had a nightmare for about the same amount of time. That her head is revisiting an old friend who scares the crap out of her.She can feel the tension, anxiety and stress causing recurring health issues. She doesn't want to go back there, but can slowly feel herself slipping back.

And it doesn't help when teachers think that she's coping well, or that what she's doing or lack there of just isn't good enough. The love of her friends seems to be all that's holding her head above the water. The need to see them again, to spend the lunch breaks with them is keeping her afloat.

The slight chances that she may be able to grasp something or find herself enjoying the moment lifts her -temporarily- higher. That her mother and grandmother nag her about her lack in housework adds to the anxiety and stress she has already found herself floating in.

The pressures of being a teen get to her head and she finds herself overwhelmed. Soon to move into her final year of high-school, the pressures of everything march in and thud inside her head. The unveiling of new information encourages in her minds old friend, who brings with him old habits. She fears that soon she won't have enough steam left in her engine to keep going, that the two weeks holiday seems so much further away than just the month it really is.

She knows there is help waiting to take her hand, but she isn't sure how to go about it. How to ask. She knows there are people put there who are far worse off than she is, but how many know how hard it really is for her? How would they really react if they knew what was really going on inside her head? How would they react if they knew what she'd been through? If they knew everything. About the abuse, about the depression, about the addictions. About how much she had really been through.

Would they treat her differently? Would she get special treatments? Would she get the chance for teachers to back off and let her go at her own pace? For her to adjust slowly, but surely to her environment? To grow into her own shoes and finally get the acceptance from her parents, friends, grandparents and teachers that she needs to boost her esteem? Would they? How would she adjust? How would she change? How would she really cope? Would she be better off? Would she be granted what she needs?

But she stops, how would you react? What would you say? If you knew all?

helechoppper

Rain + Wind + Cold = Good day for doing shit all. There's only one thing that could make this better. :( Bring on the storm. The rain hasn't stopped since late last night.

I keep getting lectures off Yiayia on how I should do more for Mum and shouldn't make Hannah do stuff while I'm sitting doing nothing, but I have to do what she says because I'm lazy. I is very close to throwing punches soon. And she's here for another eight hours.

Woke up this morning and couldn't move. Stupid doing exercise and finding muscles. I swear after every game we play I actually find a new muscle. But yeah, if anyone wants to play let me know. We need more people. :):)

:S The wind just hit. Bahaha, the wind just blew a whole heap of leaves off the roof and it was like confetti. Pretty.

Watching the Wedding Crashers with Hannah and Mum and Yiayia. :s Awkward, and Mum keeps pulling funny faces. I love that the Grandma's so blunt about everything.
"What exactly is our situation Dad?"
"You're a homo."

I love you. xxx

foooooootyball

Where to start?

Footy today was good. 17's played brilliantly. They won 114 to something crap. Then the girls played. We did alright, lost hundred and something to 14 or 20, but we raised almost $1000 for the McGrath Foundation, so that was cool. We were getting $70 a goal so that was brilliant. My body went all jelly after the game.

Had a couple of shots for goal, got one from a free kick from a push in the back, got it through but Johnny Veneris called it a behind. Silly Johnny. And then I just completely missed the other one. Was on a heaps sharp angle and kicked off the side of my foot and it went out on the full. Hehe. So we lost, but it doesn't matter, it was for a good cause and we all had fun.

Then the senior boys won 145 to something shit. They came back from 3 or 4 goals behind and won by 9 or 10 goals. Very very proud to be a Seahawk. :D

Eh, I is out.
I love you. xxxx

Billy Bob's Bourbon Bar =B.Y.O. Bar

To bloog, or not to blooog. I shall just write about today. Again. Morning started with breakfast for a change. Um. What else? I made a coffee and a hot chocolate in Hospo. Biology was okay, we did Taxonomy, pretty interesting actually. Caught up on some Maths homework in recess and then double music was pretty awesome. "Jammed" and did a bit of microphone testing.

Lunch as always is interesting. Maths was good, for a change finished everything in class. CAFS made me angry. Mrs Whiting was going on about how we should all have been started our profile things for our assignment and I haven't done mine because I've had a really crappy, she pretty much told me that it wasn't good enough.

Came home and cleaned the house again. Then Mum brought MY car home. She wants to swap. Tis very awesome. I had to reverse it and park it again. So I reversed, hit the Elders "For Sale" sign out the front just missing the tree, hill started and parked it. All without Mum in the car.

So I'm obviously not at Shorebreak. But Jake is. Don't actually see how he deserves to be going. And Yiayia's here again. She's attempted folding washing and doesn't believe that I have a boyfriend. Haha. Oh well. Now we are having McDonald's ice-creams. :):)

Eh, that's it.
I love you. xx

vroooom

Tense. That's the only word I can used to describe how I feel at the moment. I don't know whether to be excited or frustrated. Mum told me this afternoon that I'm getting a car tomorrow. But the inconsistency in the appreciation of what I do makes me angry. I don't know what to do except sit on my bed and stare at the wall, changing glares between an image of Raphael and a Libra poster.

So yeah, I'm getting a car. A little red Barina Swing. Nothing too hot, but I like it. And it should go fast too. So what if I don't have my P's, I have it to learn in and then when I get my P's it's mine.

Today was okay. Maths as always is pretty okay. I did my last Music assessment today, so my exams are officially over. Double English was okay. I get to be Hermia while Mrs Cohen is away for 5 weeks. :D Hopefully her daughter will be okay. Double Biology was pretty cool. Went through the exam. Mr Hynes said "Octopussies" Everyone was in hysterics.

Went to footy. That was okay, I guess. My kicking's not too crash hot at the moment. Hopefully it'll get better before we play on Saturday. Bit nervous about that. Went and had dinner at Yiayia and Papou's. Chops and Chicken and Potatoes.

I has found myself a book to write all my random thoughts in. Things I want to put in a blog, but they're only one liners, so I now can write them in a book. :)

So I'm home. My back hurts, my shoulders are so sore. I shall go has a shower and some sleep.
I love you. xx

"Be a turtle."

~Sorry if I made you upset. I didn't mean to.
~Thanks for trying to make me smile. It kinda helped.
~Every time I read "Be a turtle" I try not to cry and feel stressed.
~Why is there a bottle on my desk?
~Apparently I have so much more self-control than I thought I did.
~Who cares what people write in their blogs? If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.
~Fruit & Nut Chocolate. <3
~That wine tastes like Nail Polish remover.

I love you. That's a start, right? Um. Hmmm. You are honest to God incredible. I don't know what or where I would be without you. Yeah, yeah, so I coped for a while without you, but before then was the hardest part of my life. And only a few people actually now understand why. Including you.

The past couple of days have been rough, I'm sure that you can understand that. But not once did I stop to think what it was doing to everyone around me. I'm sorry, but this was all going to come out eventually. And I can understand how it's hurting you. You have your stuff too. Sorry I didn't think about that. I do love you.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I shall be talking to you tomorrow.
I love you. :) xxx

ridonkulous.

FAVOURITE...
song: Forever-Chris Brown.
flower: Roses.
colour(s): Pink, blue, purple.
scent: Lavender.
movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
food: lamb on the spit.
team: Swans; Roosters; Seahawks.
show: Desperate Housewives & Brothers & Sisters.
drink: chocolate milk.

Today was. It just was. Music went okay. Did my assessment for "Blue Mood". I think that went alright. CAFs was were shit started to go down hill. Sat outside the room for a bit trying to relax. Then recess got a bit hectic. English for a change was awesome. Laughed alot before putting in my earphones and tuning out the world. Did a little bit of work. Then Hospo was. It just was. Started the Barista topic today. That was good except I missed everything.

Disclosed some pretty scary stuff from the past to a few friends. Then I went back to Hospo and then sat by myself for a bit. Then we went to lunch. I love lunch. Stupid. I love it when memories just make you go mental. I didn't eat. And then we went back to Hospo and Mrs Harris was like "Have some soup." So me and Kayla had some soup. And then Biology was a blur. I don't remember much, except that we had Miss M again and I couldn't be arsed doing work so I played games. Oh well.

Went to town this arvo. Didn't do much. Then we went to Yiayia and Papou's. Yiayia gave me a blanket and a book with a letter inside it. Kinda scared to read it. Then I went to footy, but I couldn't train coz my knee ducked itself. Then we came home and now I'm falling asleep again.

So all round rough as guts day again.
I love you.
P.S. I hopes you like your special.

space heater. ♥ ♥

I love you. Like, I can't even fathom it. It actually hurts when you're not around. Like there is a part of me missing. I did have a friend once tell me that she's noticed that I'm one of those people who isn't right unless I have another half, that I'm not totally me.

I always said I wouldn't be one of those people who would go on about how much they love their boyfriend, or go on about love and all its sickly adding. But I can't help myself. I know I've never felt like this before and it's incredible. That there is one person who can turn your whole night around. That can make you feel so incredibly special, more so than you actually are. Words like "amazing" and "beautiful" that make your head spin because the only people you've heard those used as a descriptor before was from your Mum and best friend.

I don't know what to say. I've found myself lost in his words. Lost in time. Sometimes I feel as though this is all a cruel joke and I'm going to wake up soon and their are going to be people who laugh at me when I tell them what's happened. But I pinch myself and it's all real.

But what do you do when this is all new? When there are things that you thought you'd never feel in your life and it all comes to you at once. I personally am ecstatic, but I worry sometimes that something might go wrong and that will be it. That all this will stop and there's going to be a time when all these feelings end.

Two years later, two years on and off and the whole time it was mutual.
I love you.
xx :)
And Mr. Space Heater, you're stuck with me.

stoopid.

-Stupid brother.
-Stupid Music.
-Stupid English.
-Stupid Dad.
-Stupid your brother.
-Stupid school.
-Stupid sleep.
-Stupid you.
-Stupid people.
-Stupid being sick.
-Stupid you and your stupid your being sick.
-Stupid being sick making me do stuffs more.
-Stupid silent freak out in the middle of Music.
-Stupid Maths.
-Stupid running out of Earl Grey.
-Stupid you and your stupid holiday.
-Stupid your Mum.

-Thank you Mrs. Cohen for being away today.
-Bit of heads up would've been nice.
-Silly boy. :)
-I love you. More than I think you care to realise.

mature?

Things could be worse. I have people that love me and I'm healthy. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Sometimes it gets hard to make ends meet, but I have it better than some. And I know I've seen stuffs that will deffinately scar me emotinally and effect the choices I make in the future, but that's who I am.

Spent the day with Kayla. Talked abit about getting tattoos. I has decided that I want all my grandparents names on the inside of my left ankle, and "my love" in French or Italian on one of my wrists.

Then we went and visited Kayla's Nanna. I love Nanna. She's funny. And after that we dawdled home. We were there for a while, talking about nothing while Nanna was at lunch.

Talked about how much our group has sorta matured a fair bit over the past couple of months. Bahahah. I love the Chipmunks. Everything sounds so much better when they sing it. Right mature. Yeah, we've all been through a bit together.

Anywho, I is bore-ed. Night all.
I love you.

illegal

Today was good. Finally got out of the house and back into footy. Driving lesson this morning went well. Drove up the back of Malua and Dunns Creek Road, then through Catalina and along beach road for a bit. And then got back into footy.

For some unknown reason I've been put in charge of handling Game Day paper work for home games. So I had that going, then I chilled for a bit in the car, watched the boys warm up while I warmed up in the car.

So after all the games happened and the awards were given out, we played the DVD of the first Seahawks Premiership in 1985. When the end of the DVD came around we played "We Are The Champions" and let the music play. Then there were photos and I was standing behind the bar, not expecting to have to serve when a man came up and asked for a beer. Without thinking about it I gave him his beer and took the money. :S Very illegal, might I add.

I ended up serving for 15 minutes while there was no one else there, then a man asked if there was a "tips" jar, so Mum threw a bowl on the counter and said there you go. The man threw $4.50 in there. Mum stole the bowl and wrote "Kass' Tips" on the inside. By the end of it I'd made $5.50 off drunk old guys who "appreciates the work of young girls who do hard work for their club". Honestly, I was flattered. And pretty stoked at my efforts. $5.50 for illegal work. Good work Kass.

And that was my crap-tastic day. And the story of how I illegally made money. :)

I love you.

lies + drugs = abuse

It's funny. One minute we can be fighting, the next we're screaming with laughter at 11 o'clock at night. Sometimes, I confuse myself.

It's also funny, that you imagine what life will be like after school. Going to University, falling in love, getting married, having a family, and growing old with the person you marry. But all to often that love never lasts. And the implications it not only has on the two people involved, but their children.

And that's the one thing I'm most terrified about. Divorce. Separation. Because I've witnessed and experienced it first hand. The lies, the deception, the abuse, drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty sure I've seen it all, experienced it all. That someone can "love" someone but can go out and sleep around and then get stoned or drunk or both, and then come home and abuse their family.

It hurts, and the one thing that I could never do is cheat on someone. It would break my heart if I did it, or if someone did it to me. I don't think I could ever find it in my heart to forgive them or myself for that matter.

I worry that divorce or separation could happen to me. And I don't want it to. Ever to come close. If there is a God, He will not let it happen to me. Or anyone for that matter. It terrifies me. That something so precious to someone can just. Push them over the edge.

My Dad moves away next week, and my chances of seeing him at all slim even more. Paper thin now more than ever. But then there are the people who wish their parents lived closer, and I wonder why I can't have that sort of relationship with mine. But then again, have they seen what I have?

I don't know whether to cry or not. But that's just me.

I love you.

driving

So the Hospo prac didn't go as bad as I thought. I didn't do my Music Assessments because we ran out of time. Procrastination you've succeeded once again.

When we got out of Music everyone in the first group was telling us all how hectic it was and how bigger Nazi's they were. We went in and were fine. Everyone put their heads down and concentrated. Got my main out within the first hour and a half, then had ages to do my dessert. But once one person finished their main, everyone did.

Overall I wasn't stressed until I thought my Anglaise Sauce was curdling, which it was, but once it was served and plated it was fine. Huge weight off my chest and all was good again. I think everyone overall did pretty well. All the prep had to be done before you started. I did all my prep for the main first, cooked, plated and served, then did all prep for my dessert. One dish at a time.

I just finished my first driving lesson. It was good. Ian, I think his name was. He was nice. So I drove around Broulee and then Tomakin and then home. It was good. I is happy.

Now I'm home and have a killer headache again. Just ate my food from Hospo. The Chicken was awesome, but I gave it to Hannah coz it made my headache worse (tomatoes make my headaches worse). And then I had the Pears. Fuck they were good. It would've been good if I fridged it before I served it. The Anglaise was perfect after sitting in the cool room for a bit. Anywho, I let Hannah have A bite and then I ate the rest because it was too freaking good to share.

I have another driving lesson in the morning. Haha. :S The dog's trying to impregnate the cat again. Um. OH! Dylan the Red Nosed Reindeer. :S Sorry babe, but you've gotta admit it was funny. :) OH! I saw John in his boxers. That was lovely.

That's it I think. :)
I love you. (L)(L)(L) xxx

breakdown.

Today was. Different. Had the Hospo exam first up. At about 10 I looked at the clock and my breathing started getting heavy and my eyes welled up. I looked at the roof and then to my paper. I had about two or three questions to go. I had to leave.

I got permission and walked to the toilets and sat on a toilet and sobbed for a bit. Then I walked back to the exam and sat outside while I tried to compose myself. Then Mrs Harris came out and tried to get me to talk and I just cried even more. Eventually I got back into the exam and finished what I could. Breakdown in the middle of an exam. Awesome Kass, good work.

And then I spent the better part of the day pretty down. And then we got to English. Shit that was scary. We walked in and everyone expected to get pummelled. We didn't. She was unbelievably calm and talked to us about how we should be going about doing study and stuff. And then we watched the end of A Midsummer Night's Dream. It was funny.

Now I is home alone and very tired. We have a monstrously huge day tomorrow. Music and Hospo Pracs. Hopefully I can do my Music assessment early so I can try and relax a bit before Hospo. Crazy stupid freaking people for putting both exams on the same day. Should be shot.

Eh, good night world. :)

I love you. xx

S.S. Maths Exam.

Exam week. I love it. Like I love tourists and homework.

The week actually started shit house. Music. I ballsed that up so bad. As soon as I got in the room I forgot every word I'd studied the night before. Then English. I am actually scared of getting that back and the lectures we're all gunna get about it.

Tuesday went better than I thought. CAFS went okay. I forgot a few things, but remembered the important stuffs. Biology was ridiculously easy. I didn't study at all for Biology and am glad. Actually, I'm gunna blame my doing so well in Biology on being so relaxed. Chilling on the netball courts beforehand, actually helped.

Today we had Maths. Shit me. If all the exams are like that, I'm gunna do brilliantly in General. When I looked at the clock I had like and hour 10 to go and I was on the last question. Then I finished and watched Bec make a Pirate Ship. Awesomest thing in the world. Then we all spent the rest of the day in the library. Ally dropped her drink bottle on Brady's bits and we talked to Bec about Dracula.

Now I has a burny hot cup of tea and need some sleep again. 3 exams to go. Except I don't officially finish until Tuesday when I do my last Music assessment. Hospo tomorrow should be good. Only worried about the legislation stuff, hopefully that'll be alright.

Mum's still telling me I'm lazy and don't study and spend all my time on Facebook and MSN. Well actually. I've spent the last week doing heaps of study and haven't been or seen the footy field in about a month. So you're right again. I do nothing. I don't study, I don't do homework, I don't care about how well I do in my exams, because you've obviously taken notice.

That's all from me. :)
I love you. and apparently you guys too. :)

singing in the rain.

Rain. I don't know why, it makes me happy. I think about what was said today and the hopes of two girls who don't want anything in their lives to change. Relationship-wise.

I think way too much. The sound of the rain makes me think more. I dont't even know what to write there's so much buzzing around in my head.

What would've happened if I answered differently?
What was actually said?
Almost two years.


I love you.

PS. Kayla and Bec. I owe you big time.

hypocrite.

Seriously. This afternoon when Mum came into my room and told me I should get off Facebook and MSN because I have exams. Sure, that's fine, but when the other two hand in exams late and get D's and E's on their report, being in special ed classes (sorry, i don't mean to offend), or are seeing the counsellor about anger issues or have a detention every other day that's fine?

How's about a bit of recognition for getting A's and B's on my report and passing my tests and assessments, for never having had a detention or had to be called to the school for being a complete dickhead? What about when I get awards instead of detentions?

Seriously. It pisses me off that she can say that I'm falling behind on my work when Hannah and Jake are failing and she hasn't finished an assignment that was due over two months ago.

So now I have to get off again because she just walked in and gave me the "Shouldn't you be studying?" speech again. I've finished CAFS and should probably start Biology. Here's to exams and hypocrites!

quizz-a-majig

Are you happy where you are right now, relationship- wise?
im not complaining. :)

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you love/like?
:'( what?

Is it okay if you kiss people when you're single?
sure. i never did though, but sure.

Is the last person you hung out with single?
no.

When did you last talk to your number 2 in person?
my what?

Last thing you drank was?
hot chocolate.

Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast?
no.

Have you been hugged or kissed recently?
yep :)

Someone comes running at you with an weapon, what do you do?
pull out my judo skills and woop their arse. (funny thing is i actually did judo)

How are you feeling today?
started out sick, then anxious, then pissed off, then scared, then not too bed.

How is your heart lately?
alive.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
for the first time in about a week, no.

Is there anyone you wish to fix things with?
no. i dont.

Do you have a deep dark secret?
a couple. theyre not so dark anymore though.

How many people know it?
school, kayla, dylan.

Anything bothering you right now?
my leg hurts. probably coz im sitting on it funny. OH! and exams.

Is there someone you liked so much and nothing ever happened?
yeah.

If someone liked you would you want them to tell you?
no. coz i know what i get like when people tell me they do.

Have you lied in bed with the last person you kissed?
nope.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
yeah. :) :)

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
fucking stupid...i like this song.

Can you recall the last time you really liked someone?
yeah?

Do you find smoking unattractive?
it's kinda weird actually, i don't care if they do or not, coz i've been around smokers my whole life.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?
chocolate. dylan. chocolate. did i mention chocolate?

Has anyone put their arm around you in the last 5 days?
yep.

Is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching in the face now?
haha, not so much anymore.

How many piercings do you have?
one in each ear.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
nope.

Which one of your friends would you get arrested with?
umm, any of them. buts most likely bec, come to think of it.

Are you a party person?
i couldn't actually tell you.

Were you drinking the last time you threw up?
no. actually. :S yeh, i was, oh god. that was new years. shit that was a good night.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
hahaha, sure have. i didn't realise they were high. but come to think of it, yeah, way more than i thought i did

Say your last ex walks up to you and hugs you, what do you say?
what do you want?

Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?
no. i dont think so.

Last place you stayed other than yours?
aunty pens

Sleepover soon?
fuck i hope so.

You're rude, aren't you?
maybe a lil bit.

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
...yes?

Is there someone you will never forget?
:) lots of.

What is your relationship status?
happily taken.

What are you doing tomorrow?
fuckin exams.

What have you done today?
woke up. bus. stress. exam. eat. study. stress eat. home. eat.

Are you happier now or three months ago?
deffo now.

Honestly, if you could go back three months and change something would you?
if i knew things turned out the way they have, yeh.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
yep.

Do you find piercings attractive?
depends.

Will this weekend be a good one?
exams. no.

Mr HighnMighty and Mr Man

Today was a big day for study. And I stuck to my plan and studied Music and English, but spent most of my Music time on actually playing. Nailed Moondance and that other stupid song's coming together too. I had to rearrange them both so I could understand it so it didn't sound stupid. :) Pretty proud of my efforts actually.

Seriously, there are a couple people, one in particular, who needs to get off his high horse. I might actually hit him. The other one is cool. We sorted shit out. But it's funny how one person, lets call him Mr HighnMighty. Okay, so me and a friend were talking about stuff, and we wrote something in our MSN pm box, and Mr HighnMighty didn't like that very much and told the other person, Mr Man, about it. So Mr Man got upset, and the n we sorted that out, but Mr HighnMighty is still on his stupid horse and if shit goes down on Monday I might actually attempt to hit him. I don't think his girlfriend will appreciate it very much.

Stupid Mr HighnMighty and his over reacting. He just made me so angry. Like I wanted to explode. But why would he get so worked up about it? Mr HighnMighty needs some serious therapy or some Happy Pills.

That's about it actually. I had a mighty shit-tastic day.
Night night.
I love you. xxx

i love you

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another is essential to your own."

And it sorta is. I didn't realise it before, but that's kinda true. And over today and yesterday I found myself down in the dumps because this wonderful boy I found myself head over heels about was in a pretty rough way.

But I've just been reminded of how much of an awesome "topic" he is. Silly boy. And it seems as though he needs these blogs more than I do. :) Super silly boy.

Haha, I told Fiona, the singing teacher the other day that we're together. Apparently she had no idea and always thought we'd be a good couple. And followed with a question that sorta stunned me. "And are you a good couple?" I had to stop for a second and think. Yeah, I think so.

The past couple months have been pretty tough on everyone, what with exams and super ridiculous amounts of pressure on everyone from home as well. It kinda sucks actually. No one's ready. No one's even nearly ready to take them on. So instead of going to footy, for the fourth week in a row, I'm staying home to study. Again.

Except I think I've worked out a plan. Work out which exams I have on what day, so I have English and Music on Monday, and spend tomorrow on them, and then CAFS and Biology on Tuesday, so I'll spend Sunday on them. :) I feel so clever.

I've got this new-ish friend who's helped me through the past couple of days. He's like a big bear and knows how to make people laugh, but knows when the serious shit's going down. Very quickly becoming one of the nicest guys I know.

Eh, that'll do.
Night all. xxxx
I love you.

you just never know really.

"If you're standing in front of a Greek and food comes into the room, get out of the way."-Nia Vardalos.

"He don't eat no meat. What do you mean he don't eat NO MEAT!?"-Aunt Voula.

So I found out today, that instead of the world ending in 2012, it's actually a way of life. So instead of everyone processing their thoughts and problems through the mind, they're going to have to process that information through the heart instead. And there's going to be a whole heap of tears while people adjust to the change.

Believe it if you will, but that's what I'm thinking of it all.

Woo. I'm home alone again on Saturday. And my plans? Study. :S

I've been unusually tired lately. Stress I think, anxiety maybe, I dunno. It's stupid. Can't wait for next week to over and done with. No exams, not as much pressure, and lots of sleep next weekend. :)

Eh, that's all.

Oh, hey Dylan, you're still silly. :) :)

love love. xx

:) :)

My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Love it. Reminds me how much I love being Greek, even though it's only on Mums side. The food, the music, the family, the customs, the language, the five-hour-long church services.

So I realised today, that I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel the need to be all pissed and shitty anymore, that I got my message through. I'm sorry about my means of doing so, but it needed to be said.

Except I've noticed that every time someone asks how things are or what happened, I feel the need to run to the bathroom and throw up because it feels like someone punched me in the guts.

"And now, it's time fort the bondt cake." "YOU FIXED IT!!"

And I also realised that if I actually sit down and do some study, I can get it done. I've done three pages for Maths and four for CAFS. I am actually getting somewhere. :D YAY!

Um, I'm gunna kill the idiot who decided to teach English as a compulsory subject. They should be shot.

Goodnight.
<3<3<3 iloveyou&you&you.

κορίτσι ελληνικά

-I love it when I make dinner and it tastes good, and fills the house with the best aroma. :)
-I downloaded some Greek music. Love it. Makes me want to dance, and for some reason picks my mood back up. :)
-Silly Wood Fire is making everything hot. People are complaining about the cold outside and I'm kinda sweating. :S
-Shit dinner was good. If I do say so myself. :D
-Blackbird-Sarah McLachlan. <3
-I'm sorry I sounded like a bitch, it's just stuff I needed to get off my chest. :(
-I love you. :)
-Χριστός να με βοηθήσει.
-I can't find my CAFS textbook. :S
-Sirtaki. <3
-Σ'αγαπώ.
-Fuck Exams.
-"Put some Windex on i'."
:):):) night night. xxx

what would you like me to do?

It seems as though I was very angry in my last couple blogs. But I can't help that. It honestly wasn't my fault. I was a bit shaky until this morning, and every time I find myself alone, the shakes come back.

But things should, hopefully, over the next couple of weeks. I need to push my way through these exams and all will be good. Hopefully. Bit scared about exams actually.

I'm watching High School Musical. Reliving the musical days, now haunted with a terrifying new memory. But who was in the wrong? Was it him? Or was it her? I guess no one will ever know. But I know where I stand.

"It'll all be okay" "Everything is going to be fine." Yeah, but from whose point of view? My Aunty wanted me to stay in Wagga so that I don't have to put up with this shit anymore. Start a new life and move on from the crap. And I actually considered it, and to some extent, still am.

On a somewhat lighter note. I'm lucky. Incredibly lucky. You know someone likes you when they put up with all your shit and doesn't complain when you're being annoying or whinge about everything wrong in your life. Thank you so much babe. I owe you big time.

Anywho, I'm off. Big day of school again tomorrow. :S
loveyou. xxxxx :) :)

Sorry.

I'm sorry about my previous post. But I don't think I can do it anymore. I love you, but I'm over second guessing myself. If you must, you must. Go right ahead, I won't stop you anymore.

I came to Wagga, specifically, to forget the things that have gone on since February, when I was here last, and you knew full well that I wanted to enjoy myself. I've cried way to much already. I've sat outside in the cold and bawled my eyes out to the point that I gave myself a blood nose. I don't know if anyone realises how helpless and isolated I actually feel at the moment. I want to be with everyone as support, but I don't know how good-a-support I would be.

I feel somewhat guilty for not being there today while everyone else was out. I sat at the Wagga Racecource hyperventilating. Alone. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I had no one. I sat there hyperventilating and alone.

I love you, but I don't know if I can help you anymore.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. You knew I was here to have fun and you just ruined my whole fucking frame of mind for the whole fucking weekend. Seriously, be a bit more considerate.

YOU FUCKING KNEW!YOU KNEW THAT I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE SHIT AND READJUST MY MIND FRAME, AND ONE MESSAGE, ONE FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE SCREWED THAT UP.

I hope you're fucking happy.

Only upside to this weekend. Tomorrow I'm partying with 6 year olds.

So thank you.

oh god

Okay, I'm in Wagga, thank God. Almost didn't get here. Power steering shat itself this morning and almost didn't get a car and then we got my Papou's car and now we're here.

And my iPod shat itself, and my putey wouldn't connect to the internet. But now I'm on and my iPod's fixed, and I'm tired.

Ohmygod. On the way up, there were trucks and cars going between 130-150. Shit it was scary, especially driving at night. And we got blinded by the Sun coming and Mum swerved off the road and we were all like "GAHHHHHH!!"

But it was funny. Hannah rolled down the window and screamed "MOOOOOO!!!" One Cow looked.

So that's my pretty (un)eventful day

<3 loveyou. :):)

stupid computer.

Okey dokey. I has to write this quick coz I'm on Mums puter coz mine decided to shat itself and get all infected with viruses and what not.

Today was good. English will be the death of me. Hospo was awesome, as usual. Double CAFS was hi-larious. The first half of the double got all my set work for the whole double done and in the second half we all played "who can draw best" and sat and laughed alot. Maddy and I made the best Wanted poster in religion. And then maths was easy and stupid.

And now I'm home, my computer's fucked and I just worked out that the next four days are going to be incredibly long. :( God damn.

Okey doke, that's bout all I got.

loveloveyou. :) :) <3<3<3
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

quizzy things. #1

:) borrowed this little quiz from Emily. THANKS!!


How many drugs are in your system?
none.

How tall is the last person you talked too?
Um, in person? Bout a head height shorter then me.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
school. homework. pack. sleep.

What colour is your iPod?
Puuurrrrrple

Do you always answer your texts?
yeh, unless i have no credit

Who was the last person to text you?
Dylan

If you didn't go to the school you currently go to where would you go?
I dont know.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
yeh. shame.

Do you fall for people easily?
yeh.

Is it easier to pretend everything's okay for you?
sometimes.

When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex?
tomorrow. :D

Whats your current mood?
(Y)

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
huh? no.

Do you own a digital camera?
yeh but it doesnt work proper.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept?
nah.

How did you spend the last five minutes of 2009?
pretty wasted

Were you worried about anyone last night?
always

How old will you be in 2012, the year that the world is meant to end?
19

Are you scared for anything in the future to come?
yeh. lotsa things.

Was your new years a good one?
yeh, until i had to reintroduce myself to the toilet bowl.

What are you doing right now?
drinking grapetiser from the bottle. watching lord of the rings. contemplating homework.

Do you think you will become a better person this year?
hope so.

Did you get any drunken phone calls last night?
nup.

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
tomorrow. wagga.

Have you ever worn false eyelashes?
no.

When was the last time you saw snow?
i was about 4

What did you do yesterday?
school. homework. sleep.

Are you wearing make-up?
not today.

Do you think you are pregnant?
as far as i know im not.

Where would you most like to visit?
everywhere. the world's a good start.

If you had a tree that could grow anything you want, what would it grow?
money and chocolate.

What does your last outgoing text say?
:) nighty night <3<3<3 you too xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Did you have fun last night?
nope.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing?
Hospo pants. I dunno, school ordered them.

Do you follow your head or your heart?
both. both seem pretty freakin smart.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you’re at now?
god no.

Are you a jealous person?
depending on the circumstances.

Reason for the last tear shed?
i yawned

Don't you hate it when your cell phone dies right in the middle of a conversation?
never happened, but i can imagine how it could be.

Do you hate it when you know someone first, and someone else starts talking to them more?
eh, not really.

Are you currently talking to/ texting/ instant messaging anyone?
:) yup

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
i was in public.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
SLEEP!!

grapetiser and the lord of the rings.

-Year 11 Biology 2010, the definition of immature. :D

-Grapetiser <3

-1 month babe. <3<3<3

-English. F*ck you're a pain in the arse.

-Pumpkin Ravioli. F*ck you're good.

They're all the random things flying around in my somewhat empty mind at the moment. I'm watching Lord of the Rings for the first time in like forever. Hopefully I get to go to the races on Friday. At this point it looks like I won't be because Hannah and Jake have to go where ever I go because otherwise it's just not fair. You know? Because I'm the oldest and I can't do anything unless Hannah and Jake come too.

What else goes on? Keen to get to Wagga. Just to get away from here and get some fresh air. But I know when I get home there'll be someone waiting for me. :)

Anywho. I'm out.
ily babe. <3<3<3

PS. That's my dog with my toothbrush.

DINNER!!

I'm sorry, but I'm in a fan-fucking-tastic mood. I found out I haven't put on too much weight since the formal and can wear my dress to the races!! Except my feets are gunna kill me afterwards. Ah well. I'm keen.

I'm also keen for Eclipse, Robin Hood and Toy Story 3 to come out. :D

Today at recess, Bec, Ally and I realised that in our days of Kalbecy (yeh, we had a group name), we did alot of things that now seem somewhat ridiculously immature. And our boyfriends are desperately trying to find out what, with not very much success. :D

Um, what else is new? I have both of my songs picked for Music Exam, here's to learning them in time. =\ And I've picked what I'm gunna do for my Rock song, when we do Rock. :D

I just poked myself in the eye. Don't know why I felt the need to share that.

OOH! Dinner. Lamb shanks. :D :D :D
ily <3<3<3

powers.

When I read other people's blogs, I don't want to pity them, I want to help. But I just don't know enough about them to do so, or I'm not close enough to them. I want to sit with them and help them get through their difficulties, but my being introverted and not wanting to seem nosey, I stay out of it.

I found my crystals last night. I don't know why I like them, but their simple beauty fascinates me. And the powers that they're supposed to have makes me wonder what I could use them for. I love that a Rose Quartz is supposed to empower love in your life, a Clear Quartz invokes the clear conscious and a Tiger Eye, especially the Red Tiger Eye can help you focus.

I have an Amethyst that I wear for "protection" with a pendant of Raphael for healing. I don't know why, it's just comforting. I like the idea of calling on the supernatural for help. Occasionally. I have a whole heap of faith in the Angels and Saints, more than I do for God. I believe if anyone's going to help you, you might as well ask the patrons.

Anywho, I just found out I'm going to the races in Wagga on Friday :D:D:D:D:D:D So keen.

OOH! Big yay for Brad-y and Ally P for making 3 months. Awe you two.

I dunno what else to write.

<3<3<3<3