lies + drugs = abuse

It's funny. One minute we can be fighting, the next we're screaming with laughter at 11 o'clock at night. Sometimes, I confuse myself.

It's also funny, that you imagine what life will be like after school. Going to University, falling in love, getting married, having a family, and growing old with the person you marry. But all to often that love never lasts. And the implications it not only has on the two people involved, but their children.

And that's the one thing I'm most terrified about. Divorce. Separation. Because I've witnessed and experienced it first hand. The lies, the deception, the abuse, drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty sure I've seen it all, experienced it all. That someone can "love" someone but can go out and sleep around and then get stoned or drunk or both, and then come home and abuse their family.

It hurts, and the one thing that I could never do is cheat on someone. It would break my heart if I did it, or if someone did it to me. I don't think I could ever find it in my heart to forgive them or myself for that matter.

I worry that divorce or separation could happen to me. And I don't want it to. Ever to come close. If there is a God, He will not let it happen to me. Or anyone for that matter. It terrifies me. That something so precious to someone can just. Push them over the edge.

My Dad moves away next week, and my chances of seeing him at all slim even more. Paper thin now more than ever. But then there are the people who wish their parents lived closer, and I wonder why I can't have that sort of relationship with mine. But then again, have they seen what I have?

I don't know whether to cry or not. But that's just me.

I love you.