she...

"Competent" "Bright student" "Doing very well" Just a few of the things she would usually get on her report from teachers. That they think she's doing well in her studies, but she needs to put in a bit of extra study at home. If only they knew.

If only they knew how hard she actually does try, that it's a constant struggle for her to get her head around the concepts of that subject. That something about the mix of school, social life and her health just doesn't seem right. That she has to pick one and run with it. And time and time again, she finds herself choosing school.

She hasn't eaten properly, let alone enough for the past month, since the holidays. That she hasn't not had a nightmare for about the same amount of time. That her head is revisiting an old friend who scares the crap out of her.She can feel the tension, anxiety and stress causing recurring health issues. She doesn't want to go back there, but can slowly feel herself slipping back.

And it doesn't help when teachers think that she's coping well, or that what she's doing or lack there of just isn't good enough. The love of her friends seems to be all that's holding her head above the water. The need to see them again, to spend the lunch breaks with them is keeping her afloat.

The slight chances that she may be able to grasp something or find herself enjoying the moment lifts her -temporarily- higher. That her mother and grandmother nag her about her lack in housework adds to the anxiety and stress she has already found herself floating in.

The pressures of being a teen get to her head and she finds herself overwhelmed. Soon to move into her final year of high-school, the pressures of everything march in and thud inside her head. The unveiling of new information encourages in her minds old friend, who brings with him old habits. She fears that soon she won't have enough steam left in her engine to keep going, that the two weeks holiday seems so much further away than just the month it really is.

She knows there is help waiting to take her hand, but she isn't sure how to go about it. How to ask. She knows there are people put there who are far worse off than she is, but how many know how hard it really is for her? How would they really react if they knew what was really going on inside her head? How would they react if they knew what she'd been through? If they knew everything. About the abuse, about the depression, about the addictions. About how much she had really been through.

Would they treat her differently? Would she get special treatments? Would she get the chance for teachers to back off and let her go at her own pace? For her to adjust slowly, but surely to her environment? To grow into her own shoes and finally get the acceptance from her parents, friends, grandparents and teachers that she needs to boost her esteem? Would they? How would she adjust? How would she change? How would she really cope? Would she be better off? Would she be granted what she needs?

But she stops, how would you react? What would you say? If you knew all?

helechoppper

Rain + Wind + Cold = Good day for doing shit all. There's only one thing that could make this better. :( Bring on the storm. The rain hasn't stopped since late last night.

I keep getting lectures off Yiayia on how I should do more for Mum and shouldn't make Hannah do stuff while I'm sitting doing nothing, but I have to do what she says because I'm lazy. I is very close to throwing punches soon. And she's here for another eight hours.

Woke up this morning and couldn't move. Stupid doing exercise and finding muscles. I swear after every game we play I actually find a new muscle. But yeah, if anyone wants to play let me know. We need more people. :):)

:S The wind just hit. Bahaha, the wind just blew a whole heap of leaves off the roof and it was like confetti. Pretty.

Watching the Wedding Crashers with Hannah and Mum and Yiayia. :s Awkward, and Mum keeps pulling funny faces. I love that the Grandma's so blunt about everything.
"What exactly is our situation Dad?"
"You're a homo."

I love you. xxx

foooooootyball

Where to start?

Footy today was good. 17's played brilliantly. They won 114 to something crap. Then the girls played. We did alright, lost hundred and something to 14 or 20, but we raised almost $1000 for the McGrath Foundation, so that was cool. We were getting $70 a goal so that was brilliant. My body went all jelly after the game.

Had a couple of shots for goal, got one from a free kick from a push in the back, got it through but Johnny Veneris called it a behind. Silly Johnny. And then I just completely missed the other one. Was on a heaps sharp angle and kicked off the side of my foot and it went out on the full. Hehe. So we lost, but it doesn't matter, it was for a good cause and we all had fun.

Then the senior boys won 145 to something shit. They came back from 3 or 4 goals behind and won by 9 or 10 goals. Very very proud to be a Seahawk. :D

Eh, I is out.
I love you. xxxx

Billy Bob's Bourbon Bar =B.Y.O. Bar

To bloog, or not to blooog. I shall just write about today. Again. Morning started with breakfast for a change. Um. What else? I made a coffee and a hot chocolate in Hospo. Biology was okay, we did Taxonomy, pretty interesting actually. Caught up on some Maths homework in recess and then double music was pretty awesome. "Jammed" and did a bit of microphone testing.

Lunch as always is interesting. Maths was good, for a change finished everything in class. CAFS made me angry. Mrs Whiting was going on about how we should all have been started our profile things for our assignment and I haven't done mine because I've had a really crappy, she pretty much told me that it wasn't good enough.

Came home and cleaned the house again. Then Mum brought MY car home. She wants to swap. Tis very awesome. I had to reverse it and park it again. So I reversed, hit the Elders "For Sale" sign out the front just missing the tree, hill started and parked it. All without Mum in the car.

So I'm obviously not at Shorebreak. But Jake is. Don't actually see how he deserves to be going. And Yiayia's here again. She's attempted folding washing and doesn't believe that I have a boyfriend. Haha. Oh well. Now we are having McDonald's ice-creams. :):)

Eh, that's it.
I love you. xx

vroooom

Tense. That's the only word I can used to describe how I feel at the moment. I don't know whether to be excited or frustrated. Mum told me this afternoon that I'm getting a car tomorrow. But the inconsistency in the appreciation of what I do makes me angry. I don't know what to do except sit on my bed and stare at the wall, changing glares between an image of Raphael and a Libra poster.

So yeah, I'm getting a car. A little red Barina Swing. Nothing too hot, but I like it. And it should go fast too. So what if I don't have my P's, I have it to learn in and then when I get my P's it's mine.

Today was okay. Maths as always is pretty okay. I did my last Music assessment today, so my exams are officially over. Double English was okay. I get to be Hermia while Mrs Cohen is away for 5 weeks. :D Hopefully her daughter will be okay. Double Biology was pretty cool. Went through the exam. Mr Hynes said "Octopussies" Everyone was in hysterics.

Went to footy. That was okay, I guess. My kicking's not too crash hot at the moment. Hopefully it'll get better before we play on Saturday. Bit nervous about that. Went and had dinner at Yiayia and Papou's. Chops and Chicken and Potatoes.

I has found myself a book to write all my random thoughts in. Things I want to put in a blog, but they're only one liners, so I now can write them in a book. :)

So I'm home. My back hurts, my shoulders are so sore. I shall go has a shower and some sleep.
I love you. xx